


Revolution

by Better_Than_Chocolate



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Politics, Angst, Cheating, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Sexual Content, Guilt, Hate Sex, Heavy Angst, M/M, Marriage, Secret Relationship, Self-Hatred, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2020-06-28 09:08:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19809172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Better_Than_Chocolate/pseuds/Better_Than_Chocolate
Summary: "There is you, there is me, and then, there is the craving in between."_______________________________________________________________________________________________“You always have a choice.” Alec said looking into Magnus’ eyes without blinking.“That’s very rich coming from you.” Magnus said with such a bitter venom in his voice that Alec felt something inside him snap.He threw back the remaining drink, wishing for the familiar burn of the alcohol to take the edge of, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t strong enough to numb the pain, the hurt, the anger. It wasn’t enough at all. But when was it ever really?“Fuck you.” He spat towards the older man, before pushing the empty glass onto the table.He grabbed the man at the lapel of his jacket, yanking him closer to smash their lips together firmly almost in an aggressive, animalistic manner.ORAlec is a senator, Magnus is his PR. At some point, the late night meetings turned into something more and none of them know how to stop it before it's too late. There is too much to risk. Too much to lose.





	1. Whiskey

_Skin raw. Cheeks on fire. Hands are sweaty. Knees trembling. Lips are swollen. Pupils are dilated. Body shivering. Breath hitched. Voice husky. Moans. Groans. Cry._

He grabbed the collar of his shirt, tugging violently as it closed of his airways. Not as it really did, but it was easier to pretend that he was choking on air due to his tightly fitted tie around his neck than face reality. 

After a few seconds of shuffling in his seat, he let out a breath, puffing as he pressed the heel of his palms to his eyes. Trying to push out the images from his head as they played on repeat. 

It’s been a hell of a week. Actually, as he thought about it, it’s been a hell of a month if not an entire year. Work was more stressful, putting even more pressure onto his already aching shoulders. 

He shrugged as if he could shake of this constant weight. He couldn’t, of course, so no matter how much he tried his muscles were stiff and tensed to the point where he doubted that he even remembered what it felt like being relaxed. 

“Mr Lightwood.” A gentle voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He blinked at the guy who now stood in front of his desk, shuffling awkwardly, moving from one foot to another. 

“Yes.” Alec said, looking up, clearing his throat to have a few seconds head start. Collecting his shattered thoughts to appear decent in front of the man. 

“Mr Bane will be here in 10 minutes.” The man said, voice quiet, almost scared. If he wouldn’t know that Magnus is royally and epically pissed at him in this very moment, he would even laugh at the boy’s reaction to the man’s name. Unfortunately, he was in no position to laugh. Not as the invisible hands gripping his throat would let him anyway. He was glad he could press out that three letter word earlier. 

“Thank you.” He answered after a few seconds when he realized that the man was still lingering in his office, showing no sign of wanting to leave. 

The boy nodded and turned on his heel as he practically ran out of his office. 

He pushed his chair back, away from his desk just enough so he could open his bottom drawer. 

It was no secret that he always kept a bottle of scotch in there along with two glasses and a packet of cigarette. Only a handful of people knew about his drinking habits. He wondered what a scandal it would be, plastered across the news in huge black ink “ALEC LIGHTWOOD, SENATOR DRINKING AT WORK. STRESS OR SUPRESSED ALCOHOL PROBLEMS?” One just as good as the other. 

This habit of his started relatively early in his career. Something that started of lightly, a means of celebration, a treat for his winning, slowly turned into something more. It wasn’t just opened as a reward, but also as an escape route on days, like today, when he knew that there is no other way, he will be able to survive till the end of the day without it. 

He slowly placed the two glasses on his table next to each other as he pulled out the cork with a satisfying pop from the bottle. The smoky scent of the whisky filled his nostrils as he poured some into each glass. He hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should shove it back to the drawer or leave it on the table. After remembering who is about to storm into his office in the next few seconds, he decided to leave it on the table. 

His wedding-ring clicked with the glass as he lifted it from the wooden surface, hastily emptying it in two huge gulps before refilling it again. 

He raised from his seat and walked over to the huge window overlooking the city. It was dark. He was meant to leave the office an hour ago, but after the day he had, he felt like stepping out into the cold night would make him face the consequences of his actions from earlier. It’s like having a huge secret. It’s all good until you don’t say it out aloud. Once the words slip from your tongue, there is no going back. Once you make that confession even into the darkness, into the emptiness, it will become real. 

He didn’t even flinch as the door behind him burst open, just to be shut in its earnest. He didn’t need to turn around to know who marched into his office. 

“What the actual fuck were you thinking?!” The words cut through the air, like an arrow, stabbing Alec in the shoulder, adding a plus pain to the overall agony he was already baring. 

“Evening.” Alec said, voice flat as he sipped from his drink calmly. 

“Don’t evening at me. What were you thinking?” The man asked, his annoyance was just as burning as the golden liquor that travelled down his throat. 

Alec turned around slowly, body leaning against the window as he nodded towards the other glass, a silent command. ‘Drink’ 

Magnus looked at the glass before grabbing it and emptying its content. He didn’t swirl it in his mouth, he didn’t take the time to taste it or enjoy it as he normally did. It was a desperate move to numb his anger, hoping to wash it away. 

“It’s a $30,000 whisky.” Alec pointed it out as he raised his eyebrow, watching the man as he helped himself with a second glass. 

“Be grateful for little miracles. My first thought was to throw it at you.” The man said deadpanning as he walked towards Alec. 

Alec snorted, in both a mocking and disbelieving way. He knew the man better than to believe that he would really be that childish. Dramatic? Definitely. But he did even that with elegance, not letting his mask to slip, his façade to be revealed. 

“I take it you saw the interview.” He said, as he raised his glass to his lips, but not drinking, not yet. If he would have, it would be out of cowardness, but if he waited till the right moment... 

“Along with a few million other people.” The man said bitterly as he joined Alec, standing next to him as their gazes travelled from light to light, watching the city awake, to come to life in the darkness of the night. 

“I might have been a bit out of line with a few answers.” He said, watching the man’s reaction from the corner of his eyes. And oh, he did not disappoint. 

“You might?! A bit?!” Magnus asked, eyes wide almost in a comical way as he turned towards Alec. 

“Listen-“ Alec said as he ran a hand through his hair for the hundredth time that day, but been abruptly shut down by the other man. 

“No Alec. Have you got any idea… how hard is it to clean up your mess? To try and find a way to twist your words until they don’t obviously have the meaning they do? To make people believe that what you said doesn’t mean what they think it means?” Magnus asked, getting more and more worked up with each question he threw at Alec. He opened his mouth to say something, but it seemed as Magnus wasn’t quiet done yet with what he had to say. 

“Every time you give an interview, I’m literally holding my breath, ready to strike, to move, to act as if every word that leaves your mouth has the sole purpose to destroy yourself. Your position. As if you are your own biggest enemy. Like you want your career to take a fall. And I’m always ready to protect you. To fix things. God only knows why you want to destroy everything you built up and why I’m stupid enough to assist with it.” Alec felt the anger boiling inside him like a fire that is ready to burst its flames into all directions, to destroy everything in its path. He felt his grip tightening around the glass, threatening to break in his hand in any moment. 

“Well, then fucking don’t!” He spat the words, voice raised, hurt, angry, irritated. 

“How could I not?! It’s my job. I’m your PR, it’s not as if I have a choice.” Magnus said, spreading his arm, not understanding how it would even be up for discussion. It wasn’t optional. 

“You always have a choice.” Alec said looking into Magnus’ eyes without blinking. 

Magnus matched his gaze, golden eyes burning into his hazel ones as they looked at each other without blinking until it was almost too hard to keep it up without looking away, without stepping back, without retreating. 

“That’s very rich coming from you.” Magnus said with such a bitter venom in his voice that Alec felt something inside him snap. He felt it moving from the pit of his stomach, crawling up into his throat, like a monster, like a beast wanting to come out to take over the control. 

He threw back the remaining drink, wishing for the familiar burn of the alcohol to take the edge of, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t strong enough to numb the pain, the hurt, the anger. It wasn’t enough at all. But when was it ever really? 

“Fuck you.” He spat towards the older man, before pushing the empty glass onto the table, watching carelessly as it slid across the polished wooden surface just to stop an inch or so from the edge, almost falling off to shatter into million pieces. How ironic. 

He grabbed the man at the lapel of his jacket, yanking him closer to smash their lips together firmly almost in an aggressive, animalistic manner. 

He watched Magnus hands coming to his chest and pushing him away, making him stumbling backwards as he lost his balance, along with his dignity. 

They stared at each other for a second. He watched the man stepping towards the desk, putting his glass down just a tad too hard, before launching himself at Alec. The kiss was messy, too much tongue and too much teeth. It was almost sinister, dirty in a way. He could taste the smoky taste in the man’s breath as their tongues fought for dominance, for control, even if they both knew it was a fight none of them could ever truly win. 

He growled as he felt the hands tugging at his shirt, trying to pull it out from under his shiny, black leather belt where it was tucked in neatly. His hands moved to the man’s coat, almost ripping it off his shoulders as his lower back hit the edge of the desk. 

Their movements were quick, desperate and so so impatient as they tried to get rid of their clothing as quickly as possible without sending buttons flying across the floor of his office. 

He felt his back bending over the desk but not before the other man wiped his arm across it to send all the papers flying off. 

He will have to match up the papers again, to organize them back to their order but he didn’t care. He let out a noise somewhere between a gasp and a moan as his heated skin touched the cold surface. 

His hand blindly tapped along, hoping to find what he was looking for while the older man was kissing, biting and sucking at his neck. 

He pulled away once his finger found the button, swallowing hard, hoping that his voice won’t give him away, that he won’t sound as aroused as he was. 

“I’m not available for the next hour or two.” He said, almost choking as Magnus unbuckled his belt just to push his hand into his trouser, under his boxer. He felt the ring-cladded fingers closing around his hard member, the contrast of his heated skin and the cold rings sent a shiver down his body. 

“I understand. I make sure no one will disturb you until further notice Mr Lightwood.” 

Alec closed his eyes, if his secretary found it odd at this time of the night, he gave no sign of it. He was always professional, never asking too many questions and Alec was grateful for it. 

In his world there were too many questions which couldn’t be answered. Not honestly at least. 

He propped himself on his elbows, raising his hips so Magnus could pull his trousers off. It was tangled around his ankle as it was stopped by his shoes and he knew well enough that it will crease but it was a small price he was willing to pay. 

He watched the man unbuckling his own belt, pushing his navy trousers off along with his boxer just enough to free his throbbing member. 

He sighed once Magnus started to trail kisses from his jaw, down to his neck and chest. He let his hand disappear in the colored locks, successfully destroying whatever hairstyle the man had. It didn’t matter. 

He gripped his hair tighter when he felt the warm, wet mouth engulfing around his already leaking cock. He choked on his saliva (or was it a moan?) as he felt his cock hitting the back of the man’s throat for a second before he pulled off completely with an obscenely loud pop. 

“Turn around!” Magnus said, his voice hoarse but whether it was from his arousal or from the deep throating, Alec couldn’t tell, but he obeyed regardless. 

His upper body was leaning across the desk, his hands desperately trying to grasp the side of it, providing him something to hold on to, knowing well enough that the pace will be punishing and there will be no mercy in the man’s thrust. 

He wasn’t sure if the man took the lube out of his desk or perhaps brought one with him, the same way he wasn’t sure which option out of the two was more worrying. He pushed the thought aside as he felt a lubed finger entering him without much teasing just to be quickly followed by a second one. It was just a bit too much and too quick, but he gritted his teeth and let his forehead hit the desk with a small thud. 

He felt Magnus sliding into him, easily, smoothly until he bottomed out, ripping a muffled cry out of their lungs. 

He felt his trapped cock sliding across the wooden surface with the man’s thrusts, each of them going a bit deeper a bit faster and a bit harder than the previous one. 

They were both close, their moans and growls became more careless and less muffled as their chased their climax together. 

He bit on his fist, not wanting to scream as the man pounded into him with everything he had, hitting his prostate with each move, showing him just how well he knew his body as if even now, he wanted to mock him. 

_Skin raw. Cheeks on fire. Hands are sweaty. Knees trembling. Lips are swollen. Pupils are dilated. Body shivering. Breath hitched. Voice husky. Moans. Groans. Cry._

He was still panting loudly, unable to calm his breathing when he heard Magnus pulling back up his trousers. After a few moments he did the same, quickly fixing his shirt, putting his tie back on with slightly shaking fingers. 

He quickly gathered everything up from the floor, shoving the papers into one of his drawers, deciding to deal with it later. He wondered when it all became a habit, pushing problems to the side, abandoning them just to take them out later or sometimes just keep pretending that they don’t even exist anymore. 

Magnus poured another glass of whisky, a cigarette between his fingers, unlit, just there teasingly as if he wanted to show that he could burn it down with a flick of his finger if he wanted to, the same way he could turn Alec’s life into ashes. Alec let his secretary know that their meeting is done for today. 

Magnus was putting his jacket on with a smugness in his movements, when there was a tentative knock on the door. 

“Mr Lightwood.” His secretary stepped into the office, his eyes lingering on Magnus just for a second before turning towards Alec. 

“Mmh?” Alec asked, having absolutely no trust in his own voice, not yet, not when his heart was still hammering in his chest, not when he could still feel the man inside of him. 

“Your wife called twenty minutes ago. Uhm, she said she was waiting in the restaurant for an hour, but she headed home.” Alec felt his face dropping and he had to close his eyes. He didn’t know if it was due to the mortification or perhaps the raging guilt that suddenly sobered him up, making everything else he felt in the last two hours to vanish in an instant. 

“Thank you.” He said, merely being able to press those two words out. He watched as his secretary backed out of his office, closing the door behind himself. 

He didn’t have to look over to Magnus to know exactly what was written all over his face. 

He stubbornly looked at a point somewhere on the floor, playing with his wedding band, that despite being the perfect size, never really fitted, sometimes it was too loose, ready to slip off in any moment, whereas on other days it felt so tight he was sure could never take it off, not even for the life of him. 

“Say hi to Lydia for me.” Magnus whispered with a smirk as he placed his empty glass on the table, along with the cigarette before slipping out of Alec's office into the night, leaving Alec alone with his thoughts.


	2. Champagne

_Darkness. A kiss. Light. A sigh. Stop. A moan. Go. A cry._

There is something about dinner galas. Nothing pleasant of course. The compulsory chit-chats are always mandatory on any social gatherings. Being friendly and polite with people you would rather walk past on the street requires a kind of talent and a whole new level of willpower. 

He was wearing a special suit for the occasion, chosen by Magnus. He sometimes wondered when did the man got promoted into his very own stylist, he assumed it was a sort of self-promotion from the man’s side. He didn’t mind, if he would get a free hand in how he dresses, he would probably never wear any other color than black, which apparently isn’t the best option for a politician. 

He had to admit; Magnus tried his very best to make up for the situation Alec was forced into. 

It was no secret in his inner circle how much he hated these gatherings and the people they attract. It was always about money, position, power, connections and titles, carefully hid behind words such as donation, charity and selflessness. 

He was wearing a black trouser, almost a bit too tight compared to what he normally wears with very dark shirt that appeared black at first but was actually a very deep maroon. He wondered if Magnus meant to match their attires, considering that the man himself was wearing a dark maroon jacket over his black silk shirt. He usually restrained from wearing his jewelry in these public settings, so Alec was more than surprised to see his rings adorning his fingers as well as number of necklaces around his neck. 

And then he didn’t even mention the hair and the makeup. Everyone knew that makeup was a part of Magnus and no one ever called the man out on it, as if anyone would dare. But for the love of god.. glitter? He saw him with glittery makeup before, on the Christmas dinner last year, for example, and he assumed that it’s the part of him in his personal life just as much as his coloured stripes in his hair but knowing it and seeing it was two different things. 

They walked side by side, getting closer and closer to the main door and with each step he could feel a new wave of nervousness. For a moment he considered turning around and not stopping until he is in the safety of his office, but there was a good chance that Magnus would personally murder him if he tried, so he decided against it, for now at least. 

He agreed to attend, there was nothing specific discussed on how long he would actually stay. 

Once they stepped into the hall, Alec spotted a few faces he desperately hoped he wouldn’t see, ever, if it’s up to him. And yet, here he was in the lion’s cave. 

Magnus grabbed two flutes of champagnes from a silver tray that’s been carried around by number of waitresses, constantly offering it to the people. 

He could see how tense the man was next to him and for a moment he felt guilty, knowing well enough that it was due to him and his unpredictable interactions with others. 

“Behave.” Magnus gritted through his teeth, almost too quiet for Alec to hear, but due to their close proximity, he still managed to catch the word. 

“When do I don’t?” He asked back from behind his glass in a discreet manner. 

“I was talking to myself.” Magnus whispered back angrily earning a raised eyebrow from Alec. Magnus was always put together, calm, collected but now he looked as if he was a breath away from snapping, from falling apart. He opened his mouth to question his sudden change in his composure when he spotted a tall, skinny man walking towards them with a smile that was faker than his Armani suit. He felt his lips twisting into a smile, he couldn’t wait to tell the man that he spotted it even from the distance. Seems like he is learning his way around in the world of fashion. 

“Magnus Bane.” The man said, arms spread out which seemed as a gesture of greeting but it wasn’t welcoming at all. 

“Lorenzo Rey.” Magnus smiled back, not putting too much effort into it as it rather looked like a grin than a genuine smile. Alec opened his mouth to introduce himself, assuming that this moment was just as good as any other one. 

“I’m-“ 

“Alexander Lightwood, senator of New York.” The man said, grasping his hand into a handshake. 

“Well, yes.” Alec said but it was rather for the sake of saying something than anything else. 

“I know who you are.” The man said with a firm nod. “However, I don’t understand what he is doing here with you.” He said, smile gone, eyes cold and hateful was he looked at Magnus. 

“Oh, still licking your wounds.” Magnus snorted as he shook his head, emptying his glass just to quickly shove it onto a tray and to grab a new one. 

“Still too proud to admit you were the one who stabbed me at the first place?” 

“I-“ 

“Mr Lightwood, I’m sure you heard about that huge scandal nine years ago when I was running for the same position that you are currently holding.” The man turned towards Alec, closing off Magnus completely. He frowned, not clearly sure why the man would ask him such a thing. He obviously heard of it. It was in the media for weeks if not months at the time. 

“I have, yes.” He answered with a small nod, looking at Magnus from the corner of his eyes, 

“Yet you still decided to place your entire career into the hands of the man who is known for deliberately ruining someone’s in the past. Are you stupid or naïve Mr Lightwood? Or a bit of both perhaps?” 

“I won’t listen to you, insulting my client Lorenzo, especially not if you base those insults on lies.” 

“Lies?” The man asked, face morphing into a disgusted grimace as he looked at Magnus. 

“Yes. I might have been your PR at the start of your political career, but it didn’t doom because of me. You lost the sympathy of the people when you lied to them again and again during your campaign despite my advices. I told you, no one can win the crowd by giving empty promises. I told you to use a method that isn’t based on misleading them for their votes. You decided to go against me, and it came back biting you in the ass. It was hardly due to my lack of professionalism but rather of your intransigence.” 

“My career wasn’t the only thing you ruined successfully but also my personal life.” 

“Do you still think that I was the one who went around airing your dirty laundry? Do I look that shallow?” 

“You were one of the only people who knew about the things that been revealed.” 

“Your witch-hunt is becoming ridiculous at this point.” Magnus said with a not-so-subtle eyeroll. 

“Call it whatever you want. And you – he said turning towards Alec as he pointed a finger at him – better make sure you don’t place your secrets into this man’s hand, or if it is too late for that, make sure you come out on them before he has the chance.” He said and Alec didn’t know if it was a general urge or maybe the words the man used made him, but he felt the need to protect Magnus, to stand up for him. 

“Magnus has my explicit trust.” He said with a deep voice as he held the man’s gaze, hoping that it was as burning as the rage inside him. 

“It is good then betrayal can only come from those you trust.” The man said with a smile as he raised his glass, taking a sip before turning away, leaving the two of them. 

When someone punches you in the stomach it’s a whole new level of agony. Your body focuses on the impact, the pain the move inflicts, while your brain is screaming for oxygen as the attack pushes all the air out of your lungs. 

It leaves you weak, breathless, lightheaded to the point where your knees buckle, they give in until you fall to the ground. You find yourself curled up in a ball, gasping for air with painful groans. The minutes supposedly expand into hours until the entire situation is a seemingly never-ending suffering. 

There is a long list of things that Alec isn’t proud. Like how he is always running away from his problems, away from things he believes he can’t fight. 

And because of that, he isn’t ashamed as he turns around and heads towards the exit. 

He isn’t ashamed as he walks past people without giving as much as his attention to them. 

He isn’t ashamed as he ignores people trying to greet him. 

He isn’t ashamed as his hand grabs an unopened champagne bottle to take it with him, he fucking deserves it. 

He yanks open the door of the limo before the driver could even get out to do it for him. 

He knows that Magnus is behind him, he slides to the other side of the seat, giving enough space for the other man to join him in the back. 

“Good evening Mr Lightwood.” The driver says politely as he eyes him from the rear mirror. 

“Evening Hodge.” He answers with a nod, which is really stupid, it’s dark, the man probably can’t even see it. 

“Home?” The man asks and if his eyes dart towards Magnus, almost asking, he ignores it. 

His thoughts went back to three nights ago, after he got home. 

_”Where were you? Lydia looked at him from the hall. She was still wearing the dress she wore for their dinner. The dinner he completely forgot about. She looked at her, hair done, lightly applied make up. By all means, she was beautiful. But not enough. Never enough. He wished she would be._

_”I’m sorry. I.. Magnus saw the interview and he came to my office. He wasn’t really impressed.” He said as he dropped his keys on the table, walking slowly towards the woman._

_”He isn’t the only one. Did he not think about discussing it tomorrow?” She asked calmly but Alec could see the annoyance in her eyes. And honestly? He couldn’t blame her._

_”I’ll tell him to keep our meetings to the day.” Alec said as he felt the familiar claws slowly crawling towards his throat.. ready to grasp, ready to hold._

_It was our wedding anniversary.” Lydia said and Alec had to close his eyes as he heard the unmasked disappointment in her voice. He felt terrible. Ashamed. Beyond guilty. Because **fuck** didn’t he know…and there was he, once again, choking. _

“No, just drive.” He said , not even looking at Hodge, still fighting to get out of his own head. 

“Anywhere specifically?” 

“No.” Alec says, there is nowhere to go. Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. 

He waits until the driver nods before he pushes a button to bring up the wall between the driver’s part and the backseat, blocking out the man. 

“Ale-“ 

“I don’t care. I don’t care what Lorenzo said. I trust you. I never doubted you, not for a second I thought you would betray my trust.” He said as he tried to open the champagne, hands shaking. 

“Give that to me.” Magnus said quietly as he took the bottle from Alec. He watched, as the foam shut up, covering both of them, with slow blinks as if his brain couldn’t take in the image. 

“Fuck.” Magnus said as he tried to drink down some of it. 

Alec closed his eyes and titled his head back letting out a deep laugh. He didn’t know why he was laughing. The seats and the carpet were covered in champagne, his night was fucked up, they were driving around the city in the middle of the night instead of attending that charity gala. It was truly an utter disaster, but he couldn’t give a fuck anymore. 

“This suit was a fortune.” Magnus murmured as he watched the alcohol dripping from the lapel of his jacket. 

“I’ll buy you another one.” Alec said, but his eyes weren’t on the jacket, it wasn’t even on their surroundings, no. It was fixed on the man’s lips. They were shining from the drink, slightly red and swollen. 

He watched as Magnus raised the bottle to his lips, drinking it while keeping his eyes locked with Alec. 

He watched his Adam’s apple bobbing with each swallow and he couldn’t tear his gaze away. If his night was meant to be doomed, he might as well give in. 

He snatched the bottle from the man, pulling it. The champagne was cheap, too much bubble, scratching his throat, yet not helping him with the itch he felt. 

With the bottle in his hand he raised from his seat and sat on the man’s lap, not moving, not yet. He looked into Magnus’ eyes asking, begging. 

“Alec.” Magnus whispered, his eyes already on Alec’s lips. 

“I want you.” Alec said as soon as he uttered those words, Magnus attacked his lips fiercely. 

He felt the champagne on the man’s tongue as he slipped it into his mouth, poking, touching. 

He felt two hands travelling to his side, grabbing him, pulling him, pushing him as they got lost in the kiss. 

Every touch was like a breath of fresh air. Something he desperately wanted, even if he would never admit it, not even to himself. 

Everything about the man was addictive. His scent, his touch, his kisses, the way he looked at him when they parted. Eyes burning with lust, want and something he couldn’t decipher. 

He bent down, kissing the man’s neck. His cologne was intoxicating, even more than the alcohol. As if the man was his own drug. Sometimes too much but never enough. 

He didn’t know when his clothes came off or when he took off the other man’s, the same way he had no idea where the lube came from. 

All he knew was the familiar burn he felt as he sit on the man’s cock, slowly lowering down until he was fully seated before he started to move his hips, riding him in the back of the limousine, illuminated by the orange and white lights of the city, clothes scattered around covered in champagne, the air filled with their sighs and moans as their moved together. 

_Darkness. A kiss. Light. A sigh. Stop. A moan. Go. A cry._

He didn’t bother with tucking his shirt in, it basically stuck to his skin as it was soaked in the remaining champagne he abandoned on the seat at some point. 

He knew his hair was a mess, the man tugged on it the way a drowning man would try to hold onto dear life. 

“We arrived at Mr Bane’s.” Hodge said, slightly lowering the window. 

“Thank you.” Magnus said, nodding at the man before he looked at Alec. He didn’t ask, not verbally, but the words were there. In his eyes. In his posture. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Alec said, not wanting to acknowledge the unuttered invitation. He never did. Going up to Magnus’ loft, to his home was something he never done. Not once. He couldn’t. It was a step he never took and he knew he never would. 


	3. Margarita

Alec paced up and down in his office, a hand constantly rubbing his few days old stubble, almost unconsciously.

His door was wide open, he absent-mindedly registered the way people started to leave, packing their stuff as the time approached six pm, the official end of their day. He wondered when the last time was, he left the office at this time. He stopped in his track when he realized that he couldn’t even guess. He usually stayed behind till late, if not the early hours of the morning, either to sit behind his desk, lost in his never-ending thoughts or to drink himself into comforting oblivion, smoking cigarette after cigarette until his throat hurt, his chest burnt with nicotine. 

Sometimes Magnus joined him. They stood in front of the giant windows, watching the awakening city in silence, observing the lights casting over the busy street below and around them, in a familiar silence while nurturing a few glasses of scotch, dig out from Alec’s bottom drawer. 

There were several times when he opened his mouth to ask the man, why did he not go home? For Alec’s part it was more than obvious. His office, away from everything and everyone was always his safe heaven, a twisted, ironic version of it of course, but it was better than driving around the city aimlessly for hours, or god forbid, going home. 

But he had no idea what made the man to stay behind with him. It’s not like as if he had a reason to spend endless hours in an office. He had no reason not to want to go home. He had no reason trying to escape from reality the way Alec had. He was vaguely aware that Magnus had a cat, and although Alec never met him or saw him, now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t even know his name. Regardless, it’s not like Magnus couldn’t spend his evenings better than what Alec could offer. 

Sometimes they had sex. Sometimes they didn’t even touch each other. On some nights they talked about everything and nothing. Never about personal things. He never asked Magnus and the man knew better than to ask Alec about personal matters. It wasn’t that he didn’t care. He was rather afraid what it would mean to him if they talked about personal things. Would he be obliged to share the same about himself? Would the man ask? Would he answer? He didn’t know therefore he stick with safe topics. Like work, tv shows, best pizza places. He felt his lip twitching into a smile. It was a never-ending argument between them. Magnus tried to convince him about Taki’s, but Alec has never been there and the more the man tried to talk him into visiting it, the more reluctant Alec got. 

He couldn’t tell why. It’s not like he doubted the man’s word or that he didn’t like trying new places. Not that he tried anything new recently. He was mostly attending restaurants for work related reasons, along with the usual dinner nights with Lydia. But those were all fancy restaurants with portion sizes so small that Alec doubted it would satisfy even a child, let alone a six feet tall man. 

He once almost asked Lydia If she wanted to try Taki’s, but the thought was gone before it could even form a sentence in his mind. It felt wrong. He didn’t know if it felt wrong because it was Magnus’ place and he thought about going there with Lydia or because, perhaps, he wanted to go there with the man himself one day. Not that he would ask him either. 

Maybe it was just a desperate move to try and separate his life into two, the one where Alec had Lydia and the one where Alec.. where Alec didn’t. It’s not like Alec has Magnus in any part of his life. Maybe in the one where he is a senator. But then again, it’s not Magnus he has. It’s his PR. 

He stopped once again, rubbing his face a bit too hard with both hands, letting out a puff of warm air into his palms. It was Thursday. Magnus always stayed behind on Thursdays. It was something they never really discussed. The pattern. He never knew if the man would stay or leave with the others. Sometimes he knew that the man would definitely stay. Especially if he had some major fuck up during the day, that’s when he knew for sure that the man would stay to have angry sex with him, which wasn’t really fueled by anger, even if they both liked to pretend otherwise. It was a twisted way to show each other, that despite the colossal shit that came their way, it will be okay. 

Usually he just watched everyone leaving while the man subtly lingered around, talking everyone a few words, pretending that he has a few things to sort with Alec, when in reality, they rarely talked about anything that closely related to their job. But that was for no one to know. 

He knew his secretary would stay until Alec told him otherwise, and usually he let him off the hook along with everyone else, but sometimes he did need to stay behind to work and occasionally, he needed the guy to help him with emails and what not. 

Although on those nights, Magnus never stayed. 

But today was Thursday. So, with that thought in mind, he glanced down at his watch and decided to send his secretary home for the night and maybe fetch up Magnus as well. 

He walked to his door, hands moving to button the only button on his blazer as he lifted his head and came to an abrupt stop somewhere between the open area of the office and his own door, as if there was an invisible wall stopping him from taking another step. 

Even though no wall magically materialized in front of him, Alec felt as if he walked into one at full speed, pushing the air out of his lungs. Chest tightening and for a split second he wondered if he was having a panic attack. Or a heart attack even. 

He watched Magnus slipping into his coat with his head tilt back in mid-laugh as he looked at the man in front of him. 

The man’s hand casually leaning on Magnus’ lower back, the gesture was too intimate to be simply friendly and the way they chatted, despite Alec hearing sweet fuck all of it, they seemed close. Like almost a couple. And Alec might didn’t know Magnus’ cat’s name, but he knew for sure that the man wasn’t seeing anyone. 

He held onto that hope with dear fucking life as he collected himself and with a few long steps he approached the pair. He watched with satisfaction as the man’s expression changed into something like surprise and almost awkwardness while his companion’s face stayed friendly and open. So, the man had no idea about his connection to Magnus, not beyond the public one at least. 

“Could we have a word?” He looked straight at Magnus, his body turned away from the other man in a cold, dismissing way, one that was probably not obvious to the man, but clear as day light for Magnus, at least judging by the way he subtly rolled his eyes at Alec. He raised an eyebrow, still waiting for an answer to his question. 

“I’m actually heading out. We can talk tomorrow?” Now that was an answer Alec didn’t expect. He bit his tongue before some stupid thing like, but it’s Thursday, could slip out. Instead he forced a smile on his face, one that he so often used for the public, he was sure he had a speed dial for it somewhere in his brain. Before he could think more about his smiling and the lack of honesty in it, he opened his mouth again. 

“It will only be a second.” He insisted and for a moment he was sure that the man will turn him down, but instead he leaned to the other man, fixing his jacket and although it seemed as a lovely gesture, Alec knew that Magnus used that movement to win himself some time. He did it plenty of time with Alec’s jacket before interviews when no one saw them. 

“Wait for me downstairs, will you? It won’t be a minute.” He murmured with a smile and it seemed like the guy didn’t know Magnus enough to see that it wasn’t truly reaching his eyes because he goofily smiled back. 

“Sure.” The man answered, that idiot smile still plastered across his face and Alec pondered whether the guy’s mouth could run around his entire head if not for his ears to stop it and he had to swallow back some vomit, it was fucking sickening. 

He watched the man turning around and heading towards the lift. Not caring about the one or two workers still lingering around, or about his secretary who was still sitting at his computer he grabbed the man by his arm and dragged him into his office before shutting the door with a bit more force. 

“Who is he?” Alec asked, voice dangerously low as he basically pierced Magnus with his eyes. 

“I don’t have time for this. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Magnus said curtly as he turned away to leave Alec. Alec wasn’t sure if the man really thought he could pull that move off, or he just tried his luck, it didn’t matter. 

“Who the fuck is he?” He gripped the man arm, a bit more harshly than it was appropriate, but the way the man looked at Magnus and smiled at him was flashing in front of his eyes, like red mist, making his blood boil inside his vain something that was a mixture of rage, disappointment and oddly, shock. 

“My personal life is none of your fucking business, so I suggest you let me go, now.” Magnus’ voice was deep now, matching Alec, his eyes flashing with anger as he pursued his lips into a thin line. 

“That’s a bit funny to hear from someone I fuck with on a regular basis.” Alec growled, feeling suddenly disgusted with both how vulgar and vulnerable he sounded. 

“Don’t worry. It’s not going to happen again.” 

“What?” 

“What did you think? That I will stick to this… causal sex we have for the rest of my life? Even you, can’t be that naïve Alec. Maybe it’s enough for you. But it’s not for me.” 

“And you only realized that after a year?” Alec hissed as he pulled the man closer. “I never promised more. It was always what it was. Sex. And now you suddenly want more from me?” 

He was expecting a lot, but not to see the man letting out a humorless, mocking chuckle with a shake of his head. 

“I don’t want anything more from you Alec. You didn’t promise me anything. And neither did I.” 

“So what? We are back to being co-workers?” Alec asked, the anger was quickly slipping away from him, leaving nothing but sheer emptiness. He wanted to hold onto that anger, relish it’s burn in his entire being, but it was fading with each word they spoke. 

“Alec.. we were never more than co-workers.” Magnus said with a sad smile as he pulled his hand out from Alec’s weakened clutch. 

“I see.” He could feel his walls pulling up as soon as the words left his mouth. It’s not as if he truly let them down. No, but he liked to believe that maybe, just maybe they were not invincible when he was with the man. 

He watched with the blank expression as something flashed in the man’s eyes, something like realization. 

“Alec-“ 

“Don’t make him wait. People usually don’t stick around for too long. I guess you know about that.” 

“That was unfair.” Magnus said, sounding somewhere between angry and hurt. Alec envied him, because at that moment, he felt like an empty hole. 

“Life usually is. You’d need to be naïve to think otherwise.” He said with a smile that was so mocking and so bitter that he could almost taste it on the tip of his tongue and the way the man sucked in a breath, it seemed like Alec wasn’t the only one. 

“Good night Alec.” He said with a stiff tone before turning around and leaving Alec with his victory alone. And although he might have won in their little run-in, he felt like he lost it all. 

His thoughts travelled back to the first time. The first time they crossed that invisible line they never meant to cross. The first time they acted on their impulses without thinking, truly thinking, or caring about, the consequences of their actions. 

They were staying in a hotel in Washington. Alec couldn’t exactly recall the purpose of their visit. It was just over a year ago. 

They were both tipsy, not drunk, no, just tipsy enough, to feel carefree in a city that wasn’t their home, in a hotel room where they weren’t surrounded by familiar objects. A place they will never visit again. Away from everything and everyone, when they can leave things behind without ever having to come back to it. 

Whether it was due to all that, or maybe due to the tension that was building between them for quiet some time by then, Alec couldn’t tell. 

But he remembered stumbling to the hotel room after more margaritas than any of them would care to admit. He remembered looking at Magnus who was laughing on something stupid, that probably wasn’t half as funny as it seemed at that moment. He remembered how he tried to unbutton his cufflinks, probably to be able to bush it up to his elbows in a more comfortable way, however his laughs made his shoulder shake, which caused his hands to tremble, making it impossible for him to manage. 

Alec, remember stepping close, pushing away the man’s hands and helping him gently. He looked up, locking his eyes with the man’s and suddenly something snapped in him. Even before he moved, he knew it was a terrible idea, but it wasn’t a spur of a moment thing, he supposed, and without a further thought his hands moved up to cup the man’s face and he pressed their lips together. 

_Magnus shut his eyes, not in the romantic way, but maybe to avoid looking into Alec’s eyes as he whispered, so weakly that it wasn’t even half convincing._

_“Alec.. we can’t.”_

_“I know.” He whispered back, one hand travelling to the back of Magnus’ neck, the other down his chest, palm against clothed skin and if he focused hard enough, he could feel an erethic thump under his hand._

_“We really shouldn’t.” Magnus tried again as he realized that Alec wasn’t stepping away, but instead, coming even closer._

_“I know.” He said, the words barely leaving his mouth before they launched at each other again. This time, Magnus just as eager as he is. The man wasn’t holding back anymore. Maybe he came to the same conclusion as Alec. This is one moment. Tomorrow, they leave it all behind as if it never happened. This is their only chance._

He could remember how his heart left out a beat as the man buried himself in his body, the way they both let out a half moan half breath. How their body moved together, chasing something they wanted for so long, and finally they had a chance to have it. 

It was intimate in a way that Alec never experienced before. 

He closed his eyes as he remembered the way his name left the man’s lips as he came. _Alexander._ It was the first time the man called him by his full name. It was so strange and so familiar at the same time, it burnt into his mind. 

He never called him Alexander ever since. But again, they were never that honest and vulnerable with and around each other since. The first time, it was more than sex, whether they admitted it or not. It wasn’t just about want. It was about them. 

Although they didn’t leave it all behind, Alec is sure that there was something more between them at that moment. 

So overall, it seems like they left something behind in that hotel room after all. 

Sometimes, when he is alone, he wonders if it was his heart.


	4. Tequila

“What brought you back Alec?”

It was a question, he was expecting. He was actually surprised she was willing to take him back. He wasn’t sure if he would take himself back in her place. 

He tried to ignore the nervousness he felt every time he stepped into the room, one he became familiar over the time. Yet, every time he entered, he had to leave his mask with his well thought out lies outside, and that was something he found hard to do. 

“Something happened… last Friday, that made me realize that… I lost control.” 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” She asked, tilting her head to the other side with curiosity. Alec shook his head, avoiding to looking at her all together. He didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to pretend it never happened, and then maybe.. it wouldn’t have. 

“Okay. You don’t have to tell me about it, but perhaps you could tell me what lead to it.” 

“I don’t even know. I guess it was a mixture of everything, you know?” 

“I do. How is Magnus?” She asked suddenly and although Alec should have expected it, he wasn’t all that prepared for the question. 

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked in weeks. Not unless it was about the job.” He said, finally looking up at the woman. She was sitting in a white armchair, one leg placed over the other, her body was relaxed as she leaned back. Alec tried to mimic her position, hoping that it would help with the tension, but it seemed as a fruitless attempt. He was extremely on edge. 

“Is there a reason for that?” She asked, her brown eyes observing every little movement of Alec, paying attention to every details, the movement of his eyes, the twitching of his lips, the way his tongue darted out to wet his chapped lips almost as a nervous tick, his slightly trembling hands. 

“I don’t want to talk about it. Or about him.” 

“That’s fine. We don’t have to. We can talk about Lydia.” She said and Alec let out a snort as he finally leaned back against the leather seating. How cunning of her. She knew that Alec never talked about Lydia. He remembered when she asked him at the start, when he first started to go to her for counselling. If she expected some major reason behind his decision, he had to disappoint. 

It was rather simple actually. Magnus knew about him visiting a psychologist, therefore, he must have known that he would come up during their sessions, so he felt no problem talking about him. Lydia, however, didn’t know about it and because of that, Alec didn’t want to talk about her. 

It’s also true that hard times require hard decisions. He looked into her eyes before answering. 

“Let’s talk about Lydia.” He had the tiniest mocking smile tugging at his lips as he spoke, earning a raised eyebrow from the woman across the table. 

“Hmm. Alright then. You had your anniversary, not that long ago. How did it go?” 

His smile was gone in an instant and he wondered if she had any idea how well he brought the topic back to Magnus. 

“It wasn’t… we ended up not celebrating it.” 

“Is it because of your relationship to her?” 

Although they never really talked about Alec’s relationship to Lydia in terms of Lydia, it was inevitable for Alec to talk about his point of view on their marriage. 

“No.” He forced the two lettered word out with everything he had. 

“Wasit because of your relationship to Magnus then?” 

“Maybe.” He said, trying to stop himself from playing with his hands. 

At the start, he was more than just reluctant to open up about his… relationship with Magnus. Not just because of his position and who he was, but also because talking about it meant to admit that he was having an affair with his PR agent, his co-worker, all while cheating on his wife. 

He wasn’t afraid of being judged or looked down on. No, he did that enough himself, her opinion in that sense, couldn’t really add to Alec’s guilt. 

He was afraid what it really meant. To him, as a person. 

“Did you regret it?” 

“I have a never-ending list of things I regretted in my life. You need to be more specific.” 

“Did you regret putting Magnus first?” She clarified without any comment. 

“I know I should. Especially now. He is seeing someone. And that should make me feel… even worse. But. I don’t. I just… I don’t.” He watched as she slightly moved in her chair, whether it was due to his confession that he felt no remorse or the fact that Magnus was now off-limit, he wasn’t sure. 

“So, he has a girlfriend?” Alec wondered if she purposely went ahead and assumed that he was seeing a woman, even though she knew that Magnus was bisexual or perhaps, she was looking to get a reaction out of Alec. Not as she could. 

“No. A boyfriend.” 

“I assume the two of you have kept everything professional since, then?” 

“If by professional you mean we don’t have sex, then yes.” 

“Does he still stay behind with you? At night in the office?” 

“No. He doesn’t have a reason anymore.” 

The realization downed on him a few days ago. He often wondered why the man stay behind with him. Turned out he didn’t have anything better to do. Or anyone better. 

It was strange. Because he understood it. More than he should have. Why would he waste hours with him, when he had someone real. Someone, who was more than a co-worker. Someone who was might enough. 

“Do you still stay behind?” 

“Yes.. I do.” 

“Why?” _Because I hope he might comes back._

“Because of the same reason I did all this time.” 

“Would you rather not go home and do something? Read, watch TV? Don’t tell me that sitting behind a desk is so satisfying.” 

“So, is that what normal people do after a day at work? Never would have guessed.” 

“Do you miss him?” She asked, ignoring Alec’s sarcasm all together. 

“No.” 

“Do you really want me to believe that?” She let out a mocking smile as she raised her eyebrow. 

“I don’t miss him. I miss how I felt… feel… when he is with me.” 

“And how is that?” 

“Free.” 

“Did you ever thought about telling Lydia?” 

“What? That I’m cheating on her? Absolutely not.” He snorted disbelievingly, having no idea how she could even consider that as an option. 

“Are you happy Alec? With your life? With your marriage?” 

“You know I’m not.” 

“And do you think she is?” 

“I don’t know. I guess not. I don’t know if you realized, but I’m not exactly the husband of the year.” 

“Okay. Let’s say, theoretically, that you go home tonight, and Lydia turns to you and tells you that she is having an affair. How would that make you feel?” 

He stared at a point on the glass coffee table in front of him, thinking about the question. He knew that logically, he should feel hurt, betrayed, angry and generally upset. That’s how someone should feel if they find out that their partner was cheating on them. It was another thing assuring Alec, that in fact, he wasn’t exactly like most people. 

“Relieved.” 

“Why?” 

“Because then we can end our marriage. She can go an be happy with whoever she found, and I can… I can go home before midnight. To read… or watch TV.” 

“You know most people would feel entirely different when their marriage is ending, right? So, what makes you feel differently?” 

“I guess it would be different if I’m happy with her, which I’m not.” 

“Have you considered… that maybe she would feel the same in a reversed situation?” 

“I… what?” 

“You said yourself. She isn’t happy with you. She isn’t happy in your marriage. The same way, just like you aren’t. Maybe she is just waiting for it to end. The same way you do.” 

Alec didn’t say anything. Not that he could really. He never looked at it that way. Would Lydia feel relieved if she finds out that she doesn’t have to stay unhappy with Alec for the rest of her life? 

Before he could dwell on that thought any longer, he quickly spoke up. 

“It doesn’t matter. I won’t tell her. Despite how miserable she might feel, finding out that her husband is having an affair with someone, a man, mind you, isn’t the best way to end a marriage.” 

“Perhaps it isn’t.” 

He didn’t even want to think about the scandal it would cause. It’s not just the fact that the senator had an affair outside of his marriage, that in the eye of the public, is more than perfect, but they would also find out that he is gay. And that’s something he will never allow to happen. Even if it will cost him everything. He buried his face in his hands, feeling a headache forming behind his eyes. 

“What about Magnus?” 

“What about him?” He asked, snapping his head up, mouth parted in a slight confusion. How did they end up back at the man? 

“Are you happy with him?” 

“What does that suppose to mean? You know what? It doesn’t even matter. The only reason we are still on speaking terms is that we have no other choice.” He said with a wave of his hand. 

“And that’s all because he is seeing someone?” She asked and Alec could hear a slight confusion in her voice, which was understandable. 

“No… I… I…Damn it.” He said, jumping up from the sofa and started pacing up and down in nervousness. He couldn’t remember the last time he ended up stuttering as much as he did just now. It didn’t happen since he started his career, he thankfully left it all behind after high school. 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” She said quickly as she felt Alec’s frustration, which was practically making him vibrate. 

“Last Friday. I got drunk. Like… very drunk. I can’t remember the last time I lost control that much. I didn’t even know where I was or what was going on. I could barely walk or speak. I was disgusting. A mess. A fucking mess.” He spat out as he ran a hand through his hair, not stopping, not even for a second as he kept walking in circles. 

“I went to… I went to Magnus’ apartment. I know. It was fucking stupid. I… I don’t even know how I ended up there. Did I walk? Did I call a taxi? Honestly… I was so drunk I might have drove.” 

He stopped for a second as he buried out the memory, which wasn’t much. He only remembered details, the ugly ones. 

“And then what happened?” She asked quietly and despite all his efforts, he let the memory to flow his mind, playing as a movie in front of his eyes. 

_He stumbled out of the lift, for a moment, not even sure if he got out on the right floor. He looked around, the world moving slightly slower than Alec’s eyes, making it all blurry for a second. First, he couldn’t even find a door. It was so surreal, like it was only a long corridor, leading nowhere at all._

_Until he found it on the end of it. He looked at it for a few moments, or perhaps a couple of minutes, waiting for the man to open it, when he realized that he didn’t even knock._

_He started to giggle as he pressed the bell, listening to the buzzing sound he could hear even from the outside._

_After a few moments of silence, he started to lose his patience. He fished his phone out of his pocket. 2.03 am. He had to be home. Normally, he would have called him, but he dropped his phone and when he tried to lean down to pick it up, he lost his balance, ending up falling towards the door, his body landing against the black surface with a muffled thud._

_It wasn’t his most gracious move ever._

_“Mag’us. Ooopen the. The door!” He shouted, speech slurred, voice hoarse._

_“Let m’ in.” He added quietly as he tried to balance himself against the door frame._

_After what felt like hours, but probably not longer then half a minute, the door opened, revealing a shocked Magnus, wearing a silk robe._

_“Hi.” Alec looked at him in daze. It wasn’t the first time he saw the man without any make up or hair product in his hair, but the way he stood in the door made him look a few years younger. His face expressed utter shock as he eyed Alec._

_“S’rry.” He said as he took a step closer, almost tumbling to the man as he tried to make his legs to cooperate with him._

_“Alec, what are you doing here? You’re drunk. You smell of tequila.”_

_“I.. just.. I…”_

_“Who is it?” A voice came from behind Magnus and before Magnus do as much as breath, a man appeared behind him. The boyfriend._

_“Oh. You’ busyyyy.” Alec said, pulling the end of the world so long that it almost sounded ridiculous._

_“It’s the middle of the night. Is that tequila?”_

_“Ca’ come in?” Alec asked, leaning his head against the door frame, looking up at Alec._

_“Alec. You need to go home. It is almost three in the morninh. And you are drunk out of your mind.”_

_“Please.”_

_He wasn’t sure what happened after that, but he found himself lying on a bed, one that wasn’t his._

_He heard some voices coming from behind the door, but his mind was too fuzzy to supply him with any meaning._

_He blinked a few and the next moment he found Magnus standing next to the bed, looking down at him with something that looked a lot like pity._

_“I can’t believe you came to my home in this state.”_

_Alec wanted to open his mouth to explain that he can’t either. He has no idea why he was there._

_“You are a mess. You have serious issues Alec.”_

_He looked at the man, feeling tears in his eyes, wanting to tell him that he knows. That he is aware how pathetic he is. That he is sorry._

_“Why did you drink yourself to the ground?” He asked with a sigh as he sat down on the bed, he looked so sad and disappointed as his eyes looked into Alec’s hazel ones._

_“To forge’.” He mumbled, his lips and throat were dry, he could hardly swallow._

_“Forget what?” Magnus asked leaning closer, but Alec was half-way through passing out._

He formed an answer in his mind, but he never had a chance to voice it. 

“What happened after?” 

“Hmm? Oh, I passed out.”


	5. Eggnog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas. All the feels. Ahh. Perfect.

Winter in New York looked magical, as if the entire city was a winter wonderland, the streets, the parks and houses covered in fluffy snow. People crowding the streets in the last minutes, buying gifts or desperately trying to hunt down the last turkey as the dinner approaches. Dinner surrounded by loved ones, family, friends, lovers.

It was the time of the year when everyone put aside the hard feelings for one another and spent the evening together, exchanging gifts, sharing memories and creating new ones. 

He remembered the Christmas eves at the Lightwood family. Their mother cooking, his father responsible for the fire in the fireplace, while Izzy, Jace, Max and him decorating the house along with the Christmas tree. 

He and his sinlings would spend hours in Central Park, having snowball fights before going to pick up the tree. 

He remembered the songs playing in the radio, all the classics, he could still hear Mariah Carey’s voice in his ears as well as the lines of ‘Last Christmas’. 

Once Max was old enough to realize that there was no old man with long white beard dressed all in red, they started to exchange gifts right after the Christmas dinner on Christmas eve. 

Oh, how he spent hours and hours roaming the city, trying to find the perfect gifts for his siblings and parents. He was always excited to see their reactions. He missed them, now more than usual. 

His eyes darted towards the little package. It was beautifully wrapped, in such a careful manner that he could never pull off. He was terrible at wrapping, never able to hide the ugly sellotape or the ripped edges. He even watched tutorials, but no avail. 

He swirled a cigarette between his fingers, examining the package from every angle without doing as much as touching it. 

He teared his gaze away as he stood up and walked to the window, pushing it open. He raised the cigarette to his lips before lighting it. 

There was something devastatingly beautiful in the night. He could see the huge snowflakes falling below under the lights. 

He felt the cold weather touching his skin as he watched the smoke soar, mingling with the snowflakes before disappearing. 

He inhaled a lungful of smoke as his eyes darted back to the gift. 

There was no label, no letter with it, yet he knew exactly who it was from. There was only one person who would use red glittered wrapping paper. 

_Magnus_

He didn’t speak to the man in the last few days considering it was coming up to the holiday. 

Yet, he came into his office at some point and dropped of the gift. 

He was meant to be away for the week. Lydia and he was supposed to go to Denver yesterday, to her parents, but he didn’t. He said he would stay, and Lydia didn’t argue. She just accepted it as if Alec told her that it was cold in the winter. 

A part of him wanted her to protest, to ask him why, to ask him to come. But another part of him, a much bigger one, was just grateful. And relieved. 

He knew Magnus spent this time with his friends. He met them once or twice by coincidence. Raphael, Catarina and Ragnor. He didn’t actually know them, but from what he heard from Magnus, they were like his family. 

The thought that the man was spending his night with his loved ones made him feel both happy and jealous. Because it was Christmas eve and he was sitting in the darkness of his office, all alone. 

No family, no friends, no love. 

He put out his cigarette on the window when he heard his phone signaling an incoming text. 

He walked back slowly, leaving the window open. 

**MB**  
_Merry Christmas_

_Merry Christmas_ He texted back. He chewed on his lips, phone still in hand and before he could change his mind, he quickly added another message. 

_Thank you for the gift._

He waited a few seconds, but Magnus didn’t reply so he put his phone away, pushing the slight disappointment to the back of his mind. 

It’s not like he expected the man to keep texting. 

**MB**  
_Remind me never trust your secretary. I knew he couldn’t shut up._

Alec chuckled as his fingers tapped away. 

_He did, actually. I found it._

**MB**  
_What do you mean you found it? I left it there this afternoon._

His smile froze on his face, maybe from the cold wind coming from outside, maybe from the reminder of what he has done. 

_I didn’t go. I stayed in the city._

**MB**  
_Where are you?_

He locked his phone with a sigh. How pathetic do you have to be to spend your Christmas in your office? And would Alec dared to admit such thing? 

_Stop texting me, be with your family._

He hit send before turning his phone off. 

Sometimes, on days like this, he truly wondered how he ended up here. 

Away from his family, in a marriage that was cold, loveless, endless bottles of alcohol in his desk, a senator, a man behind a mask, a mask he didn’t even know how to put down anymore. 

Playing a role is a part of being a politician, but sometimes he wished he could stop. He wished he could be just Alec. Not Mr Lightwood, not Senator Alexander Lightwood, just Alec. 

He wished he could say the first thing that comes to mind without having to put a filter through it, without having to think of the impact of his words. 

When did it become so hard to be honest and open? When did he forget to take his mask of at the end of the day? When did it all go wrong? 

And most importantly, could it be fixed? Could he be himself if he tried enough? Could he take his mask off and shove it into the bottom drawer to forget about along with the bottle of alcohols and his problems? Could he just put it aside like he did with so many things in the past? 

He didn’t know. He really didn’t. What scared him the most, however, wasn’t whether he could do it or not, but whether it would be worth it. Would he be able to look into the mirror? Would he like what he would see? Would the world do? 

He looked at the present once again. 

It was wrapped into glittery paper, a nice bow on top. But just because it looked beautiful in the outside, there was no guarantee that the same beauty would be hiding within. For all he knew, it could be ugly, rotten. Just like him. 

He wasn’t totally oblivious, he knew he was a good looking man. The papers never got tired mentioning his raven black hair, arched eyebrows, defined jawline and hazel eyes. 

But they didn’t know what he was like. They didn’t know what made him smile so broadly it hurt his face, they didn’t know what made him laugh so much that he couldn’t breath from the pain in his stomach, they didn’t know what made him feel alive. Happy. 

Sometimes he wondered if he even knew the word happiness. Sometimes he wasn’t sure if he would recognize it even if it was in front of him. And there were days, when he was brave enough to admit it, even if only in his own head, that he knew exactly where that happiness was. 

What he didn’t know, however, if he could ever share it, have a part of it. 

Suddenly the door of his office burst open and he snapped his head up, heart beating in his throat. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked, mouth open in shock. 

“It’s Christmas. No one should spend it alone Alec.” Magnus said with a sad smile as he walked in with a carrier bag in hand. 

“What’s that?” It wasn’t really the question he wanted to ask the most, but it was the first one he managed to blurt out. 

“This.. is some turkey with stuffing and roast potato. Sorry, Raphael ate all the cranberry sauce. But there is eggnog.” He said with a smile as he pulled a bottle out from the bag. 

Alec still looked at the man, eyes wide as he tried to understand what was happening. 

He watched in silence as the man handed him a tupperware with food and placed the bottle between themselves. 

He grabbed the fork on autopilot as Magnus smiled at him and took a bite of his own food. 

He swallowed before doing the same. 

The food was lovely. It tasted like home and if Alec closed his eyes long enough, he could imagine they were sitting around a table, surrounded by his and Magnus' family. 

He almost heard the chatting of their loved ones, their laughs. 

He opened his eyes and caught Magnus' looking at him with his head tilted to the side, his eyes were filled with fondness, something that made Alec feel both happy and sad. 

"I didn't want you to leave your family to come here and spend Christmas eve with me in my office." _But I'm happy you did, you don't even know how happy I am that I am not alone._

It was a whisper, because that all Alec could muster in the moment. 

"Does it make me a bad person if I say that I wanted to?" Magnus asked, his voice low in the half darkness. 

"Yes. Absolutely." Alec whispered back, almost choking on his words before he placed the box down to grab Magnus by the lapel of his coat as he pressed their lips together. 

Magnus went rigid for a moment, before he quickly put his own box down to pull Alec closer. 

The kiss was different from their previous ones. It wasn't fueled by anger or lust. It wasn't enough but it was also too much at the same time. 

It felt like a kiss of two men who knew that this was all they could ever have. 

This was the most real it would ever be. 

In the dark office on Christmas eve. 

…

They ate their food after, both of them taking turns in sipping from the eggnog Magnus brought, talking about everything and nothing in between. 

"Make a wish." Magnus said after a few minutes of silence. 

"Hmm?" Alec asked with confusion. 

"It's a family tradition. Making a wish on Christmas eve." Magnus explained with a soft smile. 

Alec looked at him. _This. This is all I want. This is all I ever wanted._

"Okay." He whispered back before hopping off his desk. 

Magnus followed his example and he slowly started to put everything back into his bag, facing away from Alec. 

Alec wanted to ask him to stay. Just a bit longer. Just for a few more minutes, but he didn't. 

He couldn't be selfish. Not now, not tonight. Tonight, he will be good. 

"I should go." Magnus said once he turned around and Alec nodded. He knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from kissing the man again, even if it was wrong for the first time to do it, the second wouldn't stop with a kiss and they both knew it. 

"Are you going back home?" Alec asked before he could stop himself and he wanted to swallow his tongue straight away. 

There was a part of him that wanted the man to say yes, to lie to him if he had to, but he didn't want to hear him say that no, he is going somewhere else, to someone else. 

"Why?" 

"Just asking. I-" 

"We broke up. Me and Elias." Magnus said before Alec could finish whatever he started to say. 

"Oh." Alec said, because that was all he could say. He wanted to ask 'why?' but he had a feeling that perhaps, he wouldn't like the answer. 

"It's for the best." Magnus said and Alec wasn't sure if he tried to ensure Alec or himself. 

"Well, it's hard to have a relationship with someone, who is in love with someone else." Magnus shrugged. 

Alec wanted to tell Magnus that he deserves someone who loves him, someone who makes him happy, someone who would choose him over and over again, but he had no right to say it. So, he didn't. 

"He was an idiot for letting you go, for not choosing you." Alec said then. 

Magnus opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something then he shook his head with a chuckle as he grabbed his bag. 

He walked up to Alec, one hand moving to his cheek, not stroking it, just touching it, ever so lightly that Alec wasn't even sure if he really felt the warmth of his skin or perhaps, he just imagined it. 

"Don't forget your present." Magnus whispered before leaning in to place a feather-like kiss on the corner of his mouth. "Merry Christmas Alexander." He whispered into his ear, before pulling away, leaving Alec alone with his present. 

He walked over to the present, careful fingers pulled at the ribbon, watching it fall off at the sides, allowing him to unwrap the little box from the glittery paper. 

He carefully lifted up the lid of the box, taking a glance inside. 

His heart stopped for a moment, leaving out a beat as his fingertips touched the cold, smooth surface of a glass. 

A snow globe. 

He turned it upside down, eyes finding an engraved note on the bottom. 

_Until the next snowball fight_

He turned it back, tears pricking in his eyes, blurring his vision as he looked at the miniature version of the Central Park covered in fake snow that would never melt. Always present. Like the memories of his childhood in the hidden depth of his heart. 

He stood at his spot, heart heavy with so much emotion. It didn't hurt this time, it made him feel alive. It made him feel whole. Not forever, but maybe for tonight, it was enough.


	6. Vodka

_I-I-I only need need you_  
_When you don't need me_  
_So, why do you why do you love me?_  


...

Alec looked at his reflection in the mirror as he took a deep breath.

He was wearing a suit in the color, midnight blue, as Magnus called it, with a black shirt and a dark blue tie with gold pattern. 

It was very fitting for a New Year's eve party. He looked perfect. 

He was frehly shaved and even his hair seemed to stand less messy on his head tonight. 

Lydia was somewhere in the room, having small talk with everyone, smiling kindly to the guests. It was her job as the wife of the senator. And she was good at it. Perfect, even. 

Alec never had to worry about his wife's behaviour during social gatherings. Impressing people was in her blood. She was liked and respected by everyone, even by those who truly believed that Alec Lightwood wasn't the most suitable person to fill in the position of New York's senator. 

She was dressed to match Alec's attire, wearing a long midnight blue dress with gold flakes on the bottom. 

She was, by all means, breathtakingly beautiful. 

Magnus really stepped his game up to make them the perfect couple for tonight. 

_Magnus_

The man used to subtly match their own suits for events, but tonight it seemed that he had the complete opposite in mind. 

Alec could only guess that it was due to his wife's presence than anything else. 

He, yet, wasn't sure how he felt about the invisible line the man drew between the two of them. 

The man was wearing a two piece red suit, with shiny black dress shoes and black silk shirt. 

While Lydia's make up was natural and soft, Magnus' was bold with black glitter, kohl and a hint of highlight on his features. 

And that truly took Alec's breath away. 

More often than not, while his fingers curled around a flute of champagne as he listened to the never ending polite discussions with others, his eyes roamed towards the man, watching him talking, drinking, laughing with people. 

His smile reached his eyes, his body was relaxed. He looked happy. Not like Alec. 

Alec suffered through every minute he had to spend in the room, whether he was standing next to Lydia listening to some guests' compliments about his job, about their appearance or even, about them as a couple or whether he was standing in the opposite end of the room, away from his wife, nursing an other drink that already warmed up to room temperature. 

The dinner earlier was nice, it allowed him to focus on something else, not Lydia, not the people who attended the event and most importantly, not Magnus. 

The usual pull he felt towards the man when they were together somewhere, seemed to be tenfold tonight. The man seemed to be everywhere where Alec was. 

A constant temptation. A mirage, he knew he could never reach. 

Now that he thought about it, it has been months since Lydia with him and Magnus. 

He was extremely on edge, a tense smile seemed to be stuck on his face. 

Truth to be told, Alec was scared. 

He was scared that she would see right through him. 

That she would see it in his eyes, clear and obvious. The yearning. The want. She would see it, but not because it would be a familiar look, one he gave to her ever, on the contrary, she would see it right away because it was something she has never seen before. 

She never would. 

So, he spent the entire evening avoiding the other man like the plague and so far, he was doing a great job. 

He stood at the corner, eyes lazily travelling from person to person. 

He raised his glass to take a sip when his movement came to a stop, just a few centimetres from his lips as he spotted Magnus with the older man. 

He was crossing the room before he could even realise what he was doing, getting closer and closer to the two of them. 

Magnus' back was turned towards Alec, so it was the other man who spotted him first. 

He apologized, over and over again as he fought his way towards them, his flute abandoned somewhere along the way. 

He watched with an uneasiness as the taller, older man, leaned towards Magnus to whisper something into his ear, a mocking smirk stretching his thin lips. 

Although Alec couldn't see Magnus' face, his reaction was clear as he curled his hand into a fist, resting next to his body. 

"Alec." The voice made Alec to stop dead in his tracks, head snapping towards the owner of the voice. 

"Lydia." His own voice sounded foreign to his ears. She appeared out of the blue, catching him off guard. 

"Where are you going?" She asked with a smile, that this time, didn't reach her eyes. 

It rarely did, if ever. Not when she looked at Alec. 

He didn't blame her. His therapists words rang in his mind as he looked down at her. 

_"She isn’t happy with you. She isn’t happy in your marriage. The same way, just like you aren’t. Maybe she is just waiting for it to end."_

"Lorenzo Rey is here, he was talking to Magnus and it didn't seem like a pleasant conversation. I wanted to go over to make sure everyone is on their best behaviour." Alec said after a moment. There was no point lying, she would know it and that would only make things worse. 

_You mean, it would make her suspicious. As she should be._

The mocking voice in his head sounded a lot like his own voice and that troubled him more than anything. 

Sometimes he started to believe that Magnus was right about himself being his own biggest enemy. 

"Magnus can take care of himself." 

"I know." Alec said with a smile as he ignored the urge to brush her off and go to find the man who by now, disappeared somewhere. 

It was a relief to see that Rey was still in the room, talking to men Alec only met once or twice. 

Wherever the other man was, Rey wasn't there to test his patience any longer and even though that should have been enough for Alec to give up on going after him, he still wanted to. To see that the man was fine. 

Lydia kept looking at him but she didn't say anything, she just looked at Alec and Alec had a feeling that she was expecting something from him. 

But what it was, Alec didn't know. Even worse, he didn't care. 

There were so many things he should have done, not just now, but in general. He knew it. God knows he really did, but knowing something and doing something was two different things. 

"Go, check on him." Lydia said after a moment with a smile as she looked down, shaking her head. 

A part of Alec wanted to ask her what was that for, the smile, the disapproving movement of her head, but another part of him wanted to go and be with the man. 

And that part of him would always be in charge. 

Alec knew for a long time that he was divided into two parts, one that had Lydia and while he always thought that the other part was only a part that didn't, recently he started to realise that maybe the other part was the one who could pretend having Magnus. 

So, without a word, Alec stepped to the side to pass his wife as he headed towards the dressing room where he assumed the man would be hiding. That is where he would be in a reversed situation. 

He didn't look back to see if she was still standing there. 

...

It took Alec a few minutes before he found the room where the man was, having five dressing rooms can make things difficult. 

Magnus was sitting on the desk, in one hand, he was holding his phone, the other one was occupied with a bottle of vodka. 

He never really liked vodka and neither did the older man, that said, Alec slowed his steps as he made his way towards Magnus, sensing that this drinking was for the desire to turn off, to escape, rather than anything. 

He didn't say anything and neither did the other as he sat down next to him, their thighs touching. 

Magnus threw his phone aside with a sigh as he pulled the bottle before handing it over to Alec without doing as much as looking at him. 

He took it, but didn't drink from it, instead he placed it down next to himself as he turned towards Magnus. 

"Are you okay?" He asked softly. 

Magnus let out a bitter laugh before looking at Alec. 

"Twenty minutes to midnight and I'm sitting in a dressing room by myself with a bottle of vodka that tastes like shit. I'm wonderful Alec. Best New Year's Eve ever." 

Alec closed his eyes. 

"I'm sorry. It isn't your fault." Magnus said with a long sigh. 

"T's okay." Alec shrugged. He knew the feeling. The feeling of loneliness, sadness... Better than he ever hoped to. 

He just wished the other man wouldn't. 

"I was heading towards you when I saw you with Lorenzo, but Lydia stopped me." 

"Why?" 

"She wanted to know where I was going." He said matter of factly. 

"No, I mean, why were you coming to us?" 

"I know what he is like. Towards you. I didn't want things to get ugly." 

"He hates me. I hate him. Things are guaranteed to get ugly when we are in the same room." Magnus shrugged as he leaned over Alec to grab the bottle. 

"I hate him too." Alec said as he watched Magnus taking two big sips. 

"Why? You don't even know him." Magnus said with a grimace as he looked at the bottle. 

"Because the way he treats you." Alec said, trying not to sound surprised. He thought it was obvious. 

Magnus looked at Alec with a look that was eerily familiar to a previous look, one that was exchanged miles away, in a hotel room in Washington. 

"You don't even like vodka." Alec said, a desperate need to say something, anything, overcoming him. 

"Well, I guess beggars can't be choosers." Magnus said without missing a beat. 

"Fifteen minutes to midnight." Alec said as he glanced down at his watch. 

"Time to think of your New Year's resolution." Magnus said with the bottle raised to his lips as he glanced at Alec. 

"I never had one." 

"There is a first time for everything." Magnus said with a smile. It was small, careful.. but real. 

"Do you have one?" Alec asked as he took the bottle, and against his initial intention, he raised it to his lips, taking a tentative sip. 

"I do." Magnus nodded. 

"What is it?" He grimaced, vodka was bitter, one of the few alcohols Alec absolutely hated. 

"Moving on." Magnus said as he looked into Alec's eyes. 

The bitterness of the alcohol was suddenly replaced by a bitterness of a different kind. 

It was one he couldn't swallow, even if he tried. It just sat in his mouth. 

"From what?" He asked, despite not wanting to hear the answer. 

"From things I should have let go a long time ago." Magnus said, his eyes still locked with Alec's. 

Alec nodded, because there was no words he could have utter in the sudden silence. 

It stretched between them like a chew gum that was half stuck to the bottom of a shoe while the other held onto the asphalt with everything it had. 

They passed the bottle between each other, until there was nothing left. 

"I think I have on too." Alec said after a few minutes, smiling to himself. 

"Yes?" Magnus asked, turning his body towards Alec, now only a metre or two left between their upper bodies. 

"Hmm." Alec nodded, his eyes resting on Magnus upper body, not wanting to look into the older man's eyes. 

"What is it?" Magnus asked as he ducked his head to catch Alec's eyes. 

His thoughts travelled back to his session from a few weeks ago. 

_“Okay. Let’s say, theoretically, that you go home tonight, and Lydia turns to you and tells you that she is having an affair. How would that make you feel?”_

_“Relieved.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because then we can end our marriage. She can go an be happy with whoever she found, and I can… I can go home before midnight. To read… or watch TV.”_

"I want to read a book." Alec whispered as he looked up at Magnus. 

The other man looked at Alec, clearly having no idea what Alec meant, and how could he. 

He jumped of the desk as he rushed towards the door, locking it closed. 

Alec walked up to him, stepping in-between his legs, a hand moving up to the man's neck, the other one resting on his chest. 

Magnus' hands moved on his own, one to rest on Alec's hips the other one on Alec's arm. 

They looked into each other's eyes, none of them speaking or moving. 

"I want to.." Alec said, trailing off, not even sure what it was exactly he wanted. 

Wanted the man? Wanted to kiss him? Wanted the man to kiss him? To fuck him? 

"Take it." Magnus whispered, his eyes flicking between Alec's owns and his lips. 

"Take whatever you want Alexander." Magnus whispered and that was all Alec needed to lean in and kiss the man. 

Their tongues danced, not fighting, this time, there was no war to win. It was just the two of them. 

He pulled the man closer, not to claim him, but to feel closer to him. 

To feel his body against his, his cologne, his warmth. Anything the man would give. 

Alec pulled back suddenly, blinking at the man in shock. 

He wanted to make love to him. Not to be fucked and not to fuck him... no.. not this time. Not now. 

**10...9...**

He never topped. He was fine with bottoming, he needed the pain, the pressure... 

_He gently pushed him onto his back, hands fumbling to unbutton the man's shirt, just enough, so he could slip his hand in to touch the smooth skin on his chest._

**8...7...**

But now, as he looked at the man... he wanted it. To feel him. To make him feel good. 

_He kissed his neck as he pulled his zipper down, one hand disappearing in the man's trousers._

**6...5...**

He wanted to feel the man under his body... to become one with him in a way he never did before... 

_After pulling Magnus' trousers down, he tentatively moved slick fingers over the furl of muscles, just to gently push them in, moving in and out slowly._

**4...3...**

He cupped his face.. a new feeling suddenly filled him up, one he didn't have a name for, and even if he did.. he wasn't ready to speak it yet. 

_He sighed as he pushed in, his forehead pressed against the man's, eyes locking as they became one._

**2...**

Maybe next year.. with a book in his hand... 

_Their heart beat in synch as their bodies moved slowly._

**1.**

He will. 

_"Alexander." The man moaned before pulling him down into a kiss._

…

A few minutes later, Alec emerged from the dressing room, heading back into the main room, hoping that no one realised that he was gone all along. 

He grabbed an other flute of champagne, a smile on his face as he went around, wishing everyone a Happy New Year. 

Most importantly.. he believed that this year, maybe, just maybe, could be that. Happy. 

He turned around, to find Lydia standing behind him, an empty flute in her hand, eyes vary as she looked at Alec. 

"Happy New Year." She said and Alec wished her the same, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. 

Her perfume was sweet, a floral scent so different from Magnus' cologne. 

"There is glitter on your face." She said and Alec almost dropped the flute from his numb fingers. 

He stepped back as if she slapped him, a hand quickly scrubbing his face, hoping to cover up the ugly, yet beautiful, proof of his unfaithfulness. 

He swallowed, his throat suddenly too dry as he watched his wife raising a hand. 

Alec froze as a cold finger swiped the corner of his mouth.


	7. Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been ages, but the story is now done. I have all chapters written, three more to go before we come to an end. But before that... let me break some hearts. xx

_“If I say ‘I love you’..  
Would you say it back?”_

Alec didn’t even bother to look up as he heard the seat-belt signal pinging above his head, he just fastened his seatbelt with a sigh. 

He heard the man taking a seat opposite to him, shuffling in his seat as he fastened his own seatbelt as well. 

They were only twenty minutes or so away from Washington. 

He had his laptop open on the small table, the words all blurred together from where he was looking at them, but it was still better than looking at Magnus, and god forbid, get into a conversation with him. 

Their last proper talk was on the night after the New Year’s Eve party. 

God, the memory of it was enough to send Alec to the edge of a panic attack. 

Even though it was over a month ago, he still remembered it like it only happened a few minutes ago, the night, due to numerous reasons, has burnt into his mind for good. 

_"There is glitter on your face."_ Lydia’s words were a never-ending record in his head, one that would go on and on until his death on a constant repeat. 

In that moment, his entire life flashed in front of his eyes. He was 100% sure that Lydia knew. She had to know. Yet all she did was swiping the glitter off his face with a smile and telling him to try the chocolate orange cake they were serving because it was lovely. 

The night from there on was a catastrophe. 

He pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping that as they land, the memory might dissolve into nothing and once again, he can focus on why he was in Washington at the first place. 

To say that he wasn’t happy about having to come back, might was understatement. With everything that has been going on recently, coming back to the very place it all started all those years ago, seemed too ironic for Alec’s liking. 

Especially because his relationship with Magnus, was pretty similar to what it was like back then. 

They were professional with each other. Alec never told Magnus about his conversation with Lydia, but regardless, Magnus was keeping his distance now more than ever. 

They only talked when it was work related and even then, they rarely met in private. If Magnus had to visit Alec in his office, he made sure the door was left open. 

There was no more drinking in the office in the late night. Well, not with the other man anyway. Alec still stayed behind, more often than not with a glass in his hand as he watched the hours passing by in the silence. 

He wanted the man to join him just as much as he wanted him not to. It was a never-ending battle between his head and heart. 

He knew if Magnus stayed, they would be back to fucking like nothing happened. Like he didn't just almost lost _everything_. 

He supposed the older man knew just as much as well, because no matter how long Alec stayed in his office, not even when the first rays of sunshine started to colour the horizon, the man never came. 

He should be grateful. For not having to make a decision. And some part of him, was. Grateful, that is. But he couldn’t completely silence the little voice in his head, angry and disappointed for having the choice taken from him. 

“We landed.” Magnus’ voice dragged Alec out of his thoughts. He looked up to find the man standing in front of him, ready to get off the plane. Alec nodded as he unbuckled his seatbelt to follow the man. 

If everything went according to the plan, a car would take them to a hotel where they would stay for one night before going back to New York the following day. 

All he had to spend with the man was one evening. It’s not like they would be sharing a room. They always booked a suite, enough for an entire football team. He could basically avoid the man without having to try if he wanted to. But did he? 

Alec let out a deep sigh as the cold air hit his face. That was the real question. He didn’t know. 

***

Alec was on his fourth coffee of the day as they finally stepped out of the building. Hours of meetings behind him, all he wanted was to go to the hotel and have a drink. From the airport, they headed to the first meeting straight away while someone brought their luggage to the hotel. It wasn't ideal, but Alec wanted to spend as little time in the city as possible. 

He sat into the car, Magnus following him right after as he slipped in next to Alec in the back. 

He gritted his teeth together as the man’s cologne hit him. It was sandalwood with something else. Alec didn’t know. He wanted to ask before, but for some reason he never did. It felt oddly inappropriate to ask it now. 

They sat in silence and it was both welcomed and uncomfortable. He really hoped they would get to the hotel sooner than later, because sitting this close to the man, was putting him on edge. 

When they arrived at the hotel it took everything in Alec not to let his emotions slip. 

He saw Magnus going tense for a moment before relaxing. He assumed their reasons were along the same line. 

He thanked the driver with a nod and went into the reception, allowing Magnus to speak to the receptionist about their booking. 

While Magnus was occupied, he walked over to the window, pressing the speed dial on his phone. 

He felt the muscle in his face twitching from anger as he listened to the phone ringing out. 

“Mr Lightwood.” Even through the phone, Alec could imagine the surprise on his assistance’s face by just listening to the tone of his voice. He rarely, if ever, called him while on business trip. That is, when he didn’t royally fucked something up. Like booking the only hotel in the entire fucking Washington that Alec specifically told him never to book again, under any circumstances. 

“I’m just calling to inform you that from today, you are no longer working for me. When I return tomorrow, I want you gone from the office with all your belongings. And let me give you an advice for the future Lewis. If your superior tells you to do or not to do something, you should fucking obey.” He said through gritted teeth as he hung up, not waiting for the man to answer. 

“Got the cards.” Magnus said and Alec paused for a moment, wondering if the man heard his words. 

He nodded and followed the man to the lifts, waiting for the doors to open before stepping into the small space. 

“I know you aren’t happy with the situation, but perhaps firing your assistant isn’t the smartest thing to do.” Magnus said as he crossed his arms, leaning his back against the wall. 

Alec rolled his eyes as he huffed, not even answering to that. 

“Alec, I mean it.” Magnus said with a sigh and Alec stared at the buttons stubbornly, almost as if he glared hard enough the lift would move faster. 

“He knew not to book this hotel. The only hotel. Yet, he still did. He disobeyed me. That is a fair ground for dismissal.” Alec said not entirely sure why it was even up for discussion. 

“Most people would give a warning, you know?” Magnus asked again, tilting his head to the side as he looked at Alec. 

“Well, I’m not most people.” Alec said in a ‘guess what’ style. 

“You fired him out of anger.” 

“Yeah, well it’s not like people fire their employees out of sheer joy.” He fired back, his anger started to bubble as the man kept pushing the subject. 

“I mean, you fired him because you were angry at him for forcing you to come back here.” Magnus said as the doors, finally, opened on the right level. 

“No, I’m angry because he didn’t do what I asked him to do.” Alec said, voice stern as they walked up to the door. 

“That’s fucking bullshit and you know it.” Magnus snapped as he opened the door, pushing it open with more force than necessary. Alec wanted to snort, because it clearly annoyed the man as well, even if he tried to avert the attention onto Alec. 

“Is it? So, why do you think I’m angry?” Alec asked with a smile, it was cold and calculated and they both knew it as they stood facing each other. 

“Because this is where it all started. You didn’t want to be reminded it ever again. And now we are back here, and you can’t stand the idea of it.” Magnus said with his voice raised, spreading his arms. 

“So, is that what you think this is about? The place reminding me of the first time I slipped?” Alec asked, taking a step closer to the other man. 

“Yes. Being here reminds you that all those years ago, you made a decision that haunts you ever since.” Magnus said as he took a step closer as well, his eyes never leaving Alec’s. 

“You think I hate being here because I regret what happened on that night?” Alec asked, the smile was gone as he looked at the man who was only a step away from him. 

“I know you do. And I get it.” Magnus said, his voice quieter than before, almost tender. 

“Do you?” Alec asked, almost laughing as he did. Magnus knew shit. 

“I-“ 

“You have no idea, why I hate this place so much.” Alec shook his head as he crossed the remaining distance between their bodies, now standing right in front of the older man. 

He looked into the golden eyes and Alec knew.. this is where it all started. The moment their left the hotel those years ago, he swore he would never come back. Not because he wanted to forget those memories.. no. But because he knew that this is all where it started.. and eventually.. this is where it would all end. 

Alec closed his eyes, pressing them together so hard, flicker of lights played behind his eyelids. He felt tears making their ways up but whether it was due to the pressure or guilt, he didn’t care. 

He wanted it to hurt. If this is the last time, he will never have the man, he wants to remember it as long as he can. 

His hands were ripping the man’s shirt, fingers digging into his shoulders as he tried to find something to hold onto while the world shifted under his feet. 

“Alec.” Magnus spoke against his lips, he felt hands pushing him away, but it was like spilling oil on an already blazing fire. He just pressed up closer to the older man. 

“Alec.” Magnus tried again, growling, almost. And Alec wanted him to just.. understand. To know why he was doing this. To know he needed this. More than he ever needed anything. Why could he not understand? 

He kissed him, both to shut him up and to make him forget that he wanted to say anything at the first place. 

It was almost animalistic, his teeth biting into the flesh of his lips, tongue licking and pushing. He wanted to drown. He wanted to look into the mirror and see the man smeared across his lips like a ghost. 

“Alec, stop!” Magnus shouted as he grabbed both of his wrists in his iron grasp. 

He swallowed; eyes still closed. 

“Look at me.” It was a command, clear and angry. 

He shook his head, not opening his eyes. He didn’t want to look into Magnus’ eyes and saw anything in them. 

“Alec! Look at me.” Magnus shook him and Alec felt the anger rising like lava from deep within a volcano. 

“What?” He snapped at the man as he opened his eyes. He was shaking. He felt raw. Exposed. Lost. 

“I don’t want to fuck you.” 

Alec blinked once, twice. He heard the words, and knew their meaning, but for some reason, his brain was unable to put them together, allowing them to make sense, to really sink in. 

He stepped away, trying to pull his hands out of the man’s hold, but fingers dig into his flesh even harder, maybe hard enough to leave marks. 

Would that be enough? A reminder that it happened. Even if it will never happen again, it was true. It was real. 

“I know once we are back to New York. It’s over. Whatever.. this was. And I don’t want the last time to be me fucking you into the mattress like there is no tomorrow.” 

But there isn’t. Don’t you understand? Alec wanted to say but he didn’t even try to form those words. 

He felt the hands around his wrist loosen their grip until Magnus was holding his hands in his own, his thumb caressing the back of his hand in circular motion and it was so foreign, Alec could do nothing but stare down at their hands. 

“Let me..” Magnus started but it was so quiet, so full of uncertainty, that Alec wondered if maybe he was wrong, and Magnus knew really what this meant. 

“Just for once. Let me pretend it wasn’t about anger and lust and everything in between. Let me pretend that we were more than a quick fuck here and there while drunk. Let me make love to you. Just this one time. Please.” He whispered and as Alec looked up, he found Magus with his eyes closed. 

Alec bit into his lip, stopping himself from speaking. Because.. fuck. It wasn’t about anger and lust. Not always and not only. It wasn’t always because of the alcohol. Like now, he was sober. But he wanted the man more than ever. Was it because he knew this was his last chance? He didn’t believe that. But he couldn’t say that because that would mean.. that would imply something that Alec wouldn’t even dare to admit to himself let alone the man. 

He lifted his hand and slowly touched the man’s face. He almost pulled it back when the other leaned into his touch with a sigh. 

Alec took so much from Magnus.. he deserved at least this touch. It was all Alec could give. This was all he dared to give. 

He wasn’t a fool, he knew that if he would let the man spend this night with him, making love to him, he could might as well go ahead and rip his heart right out of his chest. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered as he leaned in, his lips barely touching the man’s forehead. 

“Alec-“ Magnus started, slight panic making his way into his voice. 

“I’m sorry.” Alec repeated like a broken record as he stepped away from the man, eyes closed once again. 

He turned around, not wanting to wait until the man would put the pieces together. 

His hand was on the door handle when Magnus spoke, and Alec never thought he would ever hear those words. 

He hoped he never would. 

“I love you.” It was desperate. It was almost a rush of air and… 

And for the first time, he felt like he couldn’t breath because of the man. It was Magnus who made him feel like there were hands around his throat. 

The same suffocating feeling in his chest as he always felt when he was around Lydia. 

And he hated it. 

Because it wasn’t the man’s fault. It wasn’t Lydia’s either. 

No. It was Alec’s.


	8. Wine

_One of the most freeing moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change._

When Alec first met Lydia, she was beautiful. With her blue eyes, blonde hair and little nose that made her look so young, giving her a little girl’s charm. He also knew that she was probably one of the smartest, most observant women he ever met. 

He was kind, polite and perfect. But not enough. Not for Alec. He often wondered what Lydia thought of him. He knew he was handsome, smart and ambitious. But was that the first thing Lydia saw in him? Or was she smart enough to see through his mask? To see the tenseness of his jaws, the knots in his muscles, the stiffness of his shoulders. All the things he tried to hide for so long, that he didn’t even know what it felt like showing it. Showing the pain, the despair, the fear, the weakness. Everything that he shoved down deep. 

Did she realize that the smile, so often playing on his lips, was never real? That it never reached his eyes? Did she realize that his laughs held no happiness, that they were lacking the humor? 

And if she did, why did she never tell him? Why did she never question him? 

And if she didn’t… was it because she didn’t care? Or perhaps Alec lied so well, that he ended up lying to the world even in the comfort of his home? 

Was it a home even? He remembered what home felt like. Because it was that, a feeling. A feeling of being somewhere safe, somewhere where one would feel happy to be at. 

And that… wasn’t their flat. For a long time, he thought it was his office. But spending the last couple of weeks there, he had to admit… that his office, wasn’t the place he felt happy or safe at. 

Not the way one felt at home. 

Sometimes… he almost thought that maybe it’s not the place, but who he shares it with… makes it feel like home. 

Right now, sitting in their apartment, Alec realized how tired he is. 

He was exhausted. He felt as if he was holding his breath for so long, that his chest screamed in protest, yearning for a breath, a gulp of fresh air. And maybe… it was time to breath. 

They sat on the sofa, a small place left between their body, one that should have not exist between a wife and husband. Yet, they both felt the need to leave the gap hanging between them. 

Lydia was wearing jeans with a t-shirt. Her hair in a ponytail, but less tight than what he was used to. It wasn’t messy, just casual. 

Her feet were bare, one foot tucked under her. She looked comfortable, at ease. 

While Alec felt like ha was sitting on something that was ready to catch on fire in any moment. 

He was wearing dark jeans with a black t-shirt. In a way, he was comfortable. There was no tightly fitted pants hugging his legs, or a shirt buttoned all the way up to his neck, there wasn’t a tie hugging his throat, yet he was choking. 

Just a few more minutes and he can breathe, even if it will be his last breath. 

“Are you happy?” The words left his mouth, slipped out so easily, almost as a lie, but for the first time, it was honest. The most honest thing he ever asked. 

“Why are you asking?” She asked, back, moving her body slightly so now she was facing Alec, who was still turned straight ahead, not moving. 

“I just need to know.” He answered, swallowing around a lump in his throat. 

“With my life? With my job?” She asked frowning, almost as if she wasn’t entirely sure what Alec meant. He wanted to smile at that, but he didn’t want Lydia to think that Alec was smiling at her or that he found any of this amusing. 

“With me.” He said instead, turning towards Lydia to look into her eyes. 

“Oh.” She said, something flashed in her eyes. Realization? Understanding? _Relief?_

“I tried. I wanted to. I hoped I would.” She said after a moment. 

“But you aren’t.” Alec said with a slight nod, asking for a reassurance without actually forming a question. He needs to hear it. He _has to_ hear it. 

“No. And to be honest… I don’t think I ever was, or that I ever would be.” 

The truth is a funny thing. Sometimes that’s all you want; all you wish for. Yet, when you find yourself face to face with the truth. It always hurts a little. There is something bitter-sweet about it, that makes you wish the other would’ve lied. It’s raw. It’s real. 

“Are you?” Lydia asked, and Alec knew that this was the moment. The moment he was waiting for. For so long. This is his only chance. 

“No. I am not.” He should leave it like that. Because that is all she asked. She didn’t ask if he tried, if he wanted to. But it’s the moment of truth. 

It’s time to take his mask off. He knows it’s ugly. He knows it’s not enough. But it will never be. He has nothing to lose. 

“I should’ve never married you. I never even tried to love you. I never even wanted to let you in. I tried to run. To hide from this, from us… from everything. But sooner or later, your fears will catch up on you. Your lies will find you. And I’m tired of running.” 

“I know.” She said so softly that Alec almost got a whiplash with how quickly he turned his head towards her. 

There are different types of secrets. There are ones you can hardly keep, because you feel this urge to shout to the world on the top of your lungs. You want everyone to know. Everyone to learn about it. It makes you happy. It makes you free. 

There are secrets that are so deep, so fragile, that you wish to guard it with your life. You wish you could bring them with you to your grave. They are dark. They have the ability to destroy lives. 

They are so feared, you don’t even dare to utter it, not even to yourself. The thought that it was never told out loud, makes you believe, that if you try hard enough… maybe you can convince yourself that it is not true. And if it’s not true, it can’t kill you. 

There is something oddly satisfying about finding out a secret, you are not supposed to. It gives you a power, a strength you never imagined you could have. Discovering something that was meant to stay hidden, from you, from others, from the world.. gives you freedom. Freedom to use that knowledge to whatever you want to. To keep it as your secret, or to scream it to the world. 

Finding out that someone knows your secret, one that you promised to die with, is like being ripped of your clothes, your mask, your deepest soul, being naked. There is nothing that hides it anymore, no matter how hard you tried, it gets ripped away from you, it gets pulled through your fingers and all you can do is watch. Watch it to make a dreaded appearance. You can try to hold onto it, try to close it in your trembling fingers, but suddenly, it becomes smoke, slowly leaking through, escaping. 

And the world stops for a moment. Waiting on your reactions. Waiting on desperate lies, shaking excuses to leave your lips in a final attempt to save the world from the truth. It listens to your fastening heartbeat, your shaking breath. Watches the way your body stiffens, your eyes widening with the fear, shock and utter desperation. But most importantly, it observes how you live with the chance you were given. The chance to be free. The chance to confess something you were terrified of. And this is your only chance. The last chance you will ever have. It’s not just a decision to confess or deny. It’s a decision to be a victim of your lies, a slave of your memories, a captured of it all or to be free. Free of fear, lies and false hopes. It’s your chance to breath. To leave. To come home. 

“Lydia, I-“ 

“I know.” She was smiling, tears trickling down her face, and all Alec wanted to reach out, to wipe them off. But he couldn’t. Because he was the cause of the pain in those blue eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” Alec said, and the entire moment reminded him to one taking place in a hotel room in Washington a few weeks ago. 

“Me too.” She nodded with a smile that morphed into quiet sobs. “It’s him, isn’t it?” She looked back up and Alec bit into his lips. He wanted to be honest with her. But it isn’t only his secret. 

“Lydia-“ 

“It’s Magnus. Right?” She blinked up at Alec and Alec suddenly understood. She knew it all along. Deep down she knew. She was waiting. She was waiting for Alec, to come clean, to end things. She was waiting for the truth. 

Alec never gave anything to Lydia. Not his love, not his affection, lately, not even his time and effort.. If there is one thing he can give, it’s the truth. 

“Yes.” He breathed out.. choking. 

***

Hours later, when Alec emerged from the bedroom, he found Lydia in the living room, sitting on the soft carpet with a glass of wine next to her, tears rolling down her cheeks as shaking fingers turned a page in their photo album. 

Alec walked closer, standing behind her, he could now see the pictures. 

It was pictures of them, from their wedding day. 

Alec wasn’t sure if Lydia was mourning their marriage or perhaps the marriage, they should’ve had but never did. 

It didn’t matter. Until now, he didn’t truly realise just how much pain he put the woman through from the very first day they met. 

Lydia didn’t speak and neither did Alec. 

There were no words that could have help or make a difference. 

So, instead, Alec carefully sat down and for the first time ever.. he pulled the woman into his arms and comforted her with everything he had in him, even if it was too little and too late. And now, finally, he breathed in and there was no pain, no pressure. Just freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys.  
>  *****SPOILER*****  
>  I know this is not what most of your were hoping for when it comes to the moment of truth between Alec and Lydia.  
> I know some people were expecting a scandal or some huge fight.  
> I am sure there are plenty of stories, slightly similar, where the author decides to go down on that road.  
> But that isn't me. 
> 
> Even before the first chapter, I have known that Lydia and Alec will have this moment.  
> This truly special moment, where for the first time, they both admit how unhappy they are in their marriage and with each other.  
> I think they both deserved this moment in order to be able to forgive, not just the other, but maybe for themselves as well.  
> And just to make sure no one misunderstands anything, the reason Alec couldn't breath even after his confession, not until he comforts Lydia, isn't because he is suddenly in love with her or wants to try it with her. This story is a journey of a man. Going from being married to a woman, realising his sexuality, his love for another person, a man, ending a loveless marriage... Being there for Lydia.. in a way.. is also a part of this journey. Even if it happens at the very end, Alec needs that moment to happen to start healing. God, I could talk all day about the layers of this fic and I don't think anybody wants that. So, I'm leaving it here now. :)
> 
> Thank you.


	9. Coffee

_Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made.  
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?_

Magnus was casually sitting behind his desk, he might or might have not entertained himself by pushing the chair around, spending the last hour very productively. For a level of a twelve-year-old. 

Every time he picked up a pen, or placed his ring cladded fingers on the keyboards, his mind suddenly decided to go blank, making him unable to do anything at all, apart from staring into the space in front of himself. It was rather infuriating. Not being able to concentrate for long enough to get back into his game. 

He drank two coffees, scrolled through emails he didn’t even read, let alone replied to. 

He more often than not, picked his phone up, just to look at it for minutes, before placing it back on the table with the screen down. 

He could text Alec, but again, what good would that do? Not as if he had any idea what he would say to the man. He told him. He told him something that was burning inside of him for months..and for what? For the man to walk out on him without looking back. But that’s what he always did. He shouldn’t be surprised by now. Seeing the man walking away from things that seemed to big for him to handle. 

He wondered at what moment does someone give up. What needs to happen for him to finally let go of someone who doesn’t want him to hold on. 

There were moments, countless, where Magnus should have walked away. When he should have leave without looking back. 

His thoughts travelled back to a night, tucked away in Alec’s office. He remembered watching the interview and feeling the anger and outrage. He jumped up so quickly, he didn’t even take his phone or wallet with him, he went to Alec’s office straight away, ready to strangle him on the spot. 

He remembers like it was yesterday, him lashing out at Alec, unleashing all the anger and despair. 

_“You always have a choice.”_ He remembered hearing those words from Alec and it took everything in him not to punch the other man. When he told Alec those words all those years ago, he never imagined hearing it back from the man. Not with such bitterness tinting each word. He also recalled his own answer, followed by a fuck you and a literal fucking. 

He closed his eyes as he remembered what it felt like burying himself in the other man. 

What followed that encounter was one of the rare memories Magnus wished he could just forget forever. 

Simon walking in an informing Alec about his wife waiting in the restaurant.. Magnus was familiar with the feeling of guilt and generally being an asshole, but knowing that while the man’s wife patiently waited for him to attend for their anniversary.. he was fucking said man into his desk… he felt disgusted. With himself. With Alec. But one can’t be in the world of politics without being able to shield their emotions behind perfectly crafted images. Hence, he only smirked at Alec and sent his best to Lydia, wondering if they will perhaps have a chance in hell together, because he was sure they were both going to rot in there for their actions. 

There were moments, when Magnus was able to forget about the woman. When it was only him and Alec and nothing else. When he, even if just for a moment, believed that nothing and no one else mattered. 

_“I trust you. I never doubted you.”_ Hearing those words coming from Alec meant more to Magnus than he dared to admit. Even if it happened on the backseat of a limousine that was driving around aimlessly in the city, Magnus was happy. Knowing that Alec trusted him. In his own way.. 

There were times when Magnus almost believed that he could forget, not just Lydia, but even Alec. 

Granted, those attempts always turned out to be fruitless, but god knows he was trying. 

That’s how he ended up going on a date with a doctor from the hospital where Catarina worked at. Elias was a good guy. He was smart, kind, caring and good looking. Everything Magnus should have wanted. And he almost convinced both of them, that they could have a future. He tried to love the man. He was good for him. Perfect even. But he wasn’t Alec. 

Yet, even after that complete and absolute shit show that Alec spun at him one day, he still stubbornly tried to fall for the other man. 

Magnus wished he could say that he deliberately brought Elias into the office on a Thursday night, out of all nights, but truth to be told.. he wasn’t expecting the man. In fact, he tried to keep Elias as far away from Alec as possible. 

That doesn’t mean his heart didn’t skip a beat, or ten, seeing Alec losing his perfect composure for a moment. Seeing a reaction from him was worth it. Even if Magnus had no intention to gain any sort of reaction. 

Magnus stood up from his desk and walked to the window, opening it as he quickly lifted a cigarette to his lips. He liked to blame Alec for the smoking. He usually only smoked after sex. Even though there was no more sex, he couldn’t give up on his bad habit. 

The lighter flickered once, twice, before lighting the cigarette and Magnus inhaled deeply before his thoughts travelled back to the other man once again. 

For a long time, he wished Alec would come to his loft just as much as he wished he wouldn’t. He knew he was falling for the man hard and fast. It was easy to make himself believe otherwise until he was able to retreat to somewhere where he didn’t see the man around himself. He saw Alec in his office, in the meeting rooms, but in his loft, in the safety of his home.. he couldn’t reach him, couldn’t haunt him. 

Not until on that doomed night, he turned up at his door, two in the morning, stinking of tequila, speech slurred, and Magnus was equally shocked and angry at the man. 

He let him into his home, half carried him into his guest room while Elias lingered in the living room. 

He hoped to get an answer from Alec, to find out just exactly what he thought, going to his home in his state, but he knocked himself out before he could answer. 

Magnus still didn’t know what it was he wanted to forget so desperately that he almost drowned himself in alcohol. He did have a few guesses though. He knew Alec was borderline alcoholic. He knew he needed help. When Dr Roberts called Magnus to let him know that Alec restarted their sessions, Magnus was relieved. He knew he couldn’t help the man, even if he let him, so knowing that he was receiving professional help eased his mind. 

He took another draw from his cigarette as he remembered the conversation with Elias the following day. 

_“Is your friend better?” The man asked with a slight concern as Magnus waited for him outside of the hospital after the man’s shift._

_“He is. As good as one would expect in his state.” He said with a shrug. He didn’t even know why he was surprised the man asked about Alec. He was really a good man. Magnus didn’t deserve him._

_“Elias-“ He started but was cut off quickly._

_“I get it. Magnus, you are a great guy. Really. Kind, caring, smart and.. beautiful. I truly believe we could have been good together. But I also see that the timing isn’t right.” He said with a smile and Magnus pressed his lips into a thin line because really, the man was more understanding than he ever dared to hope._

_“I’m so sorry Elias. If it makes any difference, you are a great guy and I know one day you will find someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved. But I can’t be that person for you.”_

_“You don’t have to explain. I know love when I see it. I also know when I’m not part of it.” He said smiling as he brought up a hand caressing Magnus face gently._

_“Thank you. For.. for understanding.” Magnus said, relieved and heartbroken. Not because things with Elias didn’t work out, but because no matter how much he wished he wouldn’t, he was truly one-soul-at-a-time guy._

_“I just hope he knows what he has. Because you, Magnus Bane.. are truly special.” He smiled before leaning in, kissing Magnus on the cheek._

Despite his strained relationship with Alec after the drinking incident, he didn’t think twice before leaving a nicely wrapped gift on the man’s desk. He deliberately waited the man left the city with Lydia before doing so. He didn’t want Alec to find his gift while in company, he wanted him to be alone because he knew the gift would hit too close to home. 

He wanted it to be special. Alec never mentioned it, but Magnus saw it sitting on his desk which for him, was enough. 

He spent Christmas with his friends as always. This year, they were celebrating at Catarina’s house. He remembered starting the dinner with the usual bickering and joking around. They were just getting ready for desserts, when in a weak moment, despite his friends’ initial request, demand, that Magnus wouldn’t touch his phone during the night, he couldn’t stop himself from sending a quick text to Alec, whishing him Merry Christmas. 

When Alec ditched the question about his whereabouts, Magnus knew exactly where to find him. 

He only had to look up from his phone for a second to find his friends smiling at him. Ragnor just nodded, telling him to go and before Magnus realized, he was out through the door, a bag in hand and didn’t even stop until he was in Alec’s office. 

Spending the night with the man was special. Sitting next to him, eating in silence. Magnus felt happy. And he hoped that just maybe.. Alec did too. 

If they felt any happiness at Christmas, that was vanished with the New Year rolling around. Being with Alec.. bottoming for the first time with the man.. . It didn’t matter that they were attending a gala and were hiding in a dressing room.. it was perfect. He was no fool to think it meant anything and seeing Alec’s face when their eyes met across the room a few minutes later.. that was all he needed, to know that this time, they didn’t just fuck with each other, but perhaps, managed to fuck everything else up as well. 

After the ominous night at the hotel.. Magnus spent a long time thinking. Going over every major interaction he had with Alec in the last years. Both in professional and not-quite-professional settings. 

He knew he was in love with Alec. There was no denying it. In hindsight, admitting that to the man, might have been a bad idea, to say the least, but no matter how much he wanted to convince himself that it was a mistake.. it wasn’t. Not to him. 

He spent months, if not years, trying to ignore the growing feeling inside his chest every time he was around the younger man. Not because he thought those emotions would never be reciprocated, but because he knew that even if Alec felt anything for him, it would never be enough. Not enough for the man to stop living a lie. 

Telling him that he was in love with him, was, in a way, a closure for Magnus. 

He vowed to himself, that he will never wake up one day, wondering about ‘what ifs’ and missed opportunities. He didn’t want to become one of those people who would wake up one morning only to realize how different their life could have been, only if they were just brave enough to fight for it. _He didn’t want to be like Alec._

When he watched the retreating back of the man, his hand on the door handle, he realized that he might never have this chance again. 

_“I love you.” It only came out as a whisper, but he knew Alec heard every word._

_”I’m sorry.” Alec repeated and although Magnus couldn’t see his face, he could imagine, those hazel eyes, losing their shine, losing their spark.. just the way they were both fighting a losing battle, one that was perhaps lost before it even started._

 _“If someone would ask me, in a few years, what your face looks like. I might wouldn’t be able to recall the exact mixture of brown and green of your eyes, or on which side you have a scar in your eyebrow.. but I will surely tell them every muscle in your back, the exact distance between your shoulder blades .. and you know why? Because all I am ever looking at is your back while you are walking away from me. Again and again..”_

He heard the click of heels approaching, but assuming that they belonged to his secretary he didn’t even bothered to look up, instead he tapped his fingers on the shiny wooden surface of his desk, wondering if going for a walk would help him at all. 

“May I come in?” Came the voice that Magnus might not be too familiar with but knew exactly who it belonged to. 

Now, Magnus wanted to believe that it was rather hard to baffle him. Actually, he wanted to believe that it was impossible to surprise him. Yet, he stood there, head snapped up in shock, mouth slightly parted as he looked at the woman. 

After a few seconds, once he managed to collect himself, he smiled and walked back behind his desk, gesturing the woman to come in. 

“I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting you. What can I do for you Lydia?” He asked as he walked over, now standing in front of his desk, Lydia still standing at the door. 

She didn’t say anything just looked at him for a few seconds as if she was looking for something. Before Magnus could ask about it, she turned around and gently closed the door. Magnus used that moment to glance down at himself, in case he ended up spilling coffee on his shirt or perhaps, missed a few buttons at the top and appearing rather unprofessional in front of the woman. But no, his appearance was impeccable as always. 

Once Lydia turned around, she slowly walked up to Magnus. She still hasn’t said anything, and an uneasy feeling settled in the pit of Magnus’ stomach. He didn’t know how or why, but he just knew it. He knew it before she opened her mouth. He knew it without having to look into her eyes. He just knew it. He knew she was here because, so she did. 

“You know why I am here Magnus.” Her voice was calm, almost flat. She didn’t sound angry or upset, rather factual. He assumed that lying would be pointless and also, he didn’t want to. Not anymore. 

“I think I do.” He said, looking into her eyes, he could feel how his finger moved on his own, a nervous tick of his, as he rubbed his thumb and middle finger together in slow circles. 

“How long?” She asked, again, her voice wasn’t giving away any emotion. If one would hear them, they would think the conversation was about something meaningless like the weather. 

“Did he not tell you?” He asked back, already scolding himself. Answering with a question to a question wasn’t just rude but also coward. 

“I’m not asking how long has the two of you been sleeping together. It hardly matters if it happened once or a hundred times, if it started days ago or years ago.” 

“Then I’m afraid I don’t know what you are referring to.” Magnus answered as he tried not to ponder on her train of thoughts regarding to the extent of their affair. 

“How long have you been in love with him?” If Magnus felt surprised before, now he was simply dumb founded. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, he stopped rubbing his fingers together, he just stood there rooted on the spot. 

“I don’t know.” He answered finally, looking away from her, as if he was afraid that Lydia could see right through him. “I can’t remember when it happened, it just did, along the years.” He muttered quietly, still avoiding her gaze. 

“I thought so.” 

“Look… I’m sorry. You have no idea… how sorry I am. There is no excuse for what we... I’ve done. I will resign from my posit-“ 

“You don’t have to apologize. And about you resigning… That won’t be necessary. We are getting a divorce. He will need you as his PR to minimalize the damage. I, first and foremost, came here to ask for your services. I’m not here as the hurt, cheated wife.” Lydia said with a sad smile, one that looked so unexpected on her face, that Magnus wondered if he managed to knock himself out despite the caffeine and now, he was having a vivid nightmare. 

“If you tell the world about Alec’s affair and about his sexuality… you will destroy him and everything he has. There is no PR agent who could fix that.” Magnus said, his voice sounding a lot calmer and collected than he felt in that moment. 

“It’s good that I don’t plan to do any of those. We will get a divorce, based on mutual agreement.” 

“What? I mean… I don’t understand you. Anyone else in your position would have probably slapped me the moment she entered. We lied to you. He had an affair with me, with a man. And you are offering a quiet divorce? With no intention of airing the dirty laundry. Why?” 

“I suppose I should feel betrayed, hurt and angry. I suppose he did have an affair while we were married. And to be honest with you, if it would have been anyone else… we would have an entirely different talk right now. The only reason, I react the way I do… is because it’s you.” She said before moving towards the doors, clearly feeling that their talk ended. 

“I still don’t understand.” Magnus took an unintentional step after her before she could open the door and leave. 

“He was yours before he became mine. I might have never even had him, now that I think about it… I guess he was yours all along and we all just tried to pretend otherwise.” She said before slipping out, leaving Magnus in his office alone with his thumping heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello.  
> I know everyone is waiting for Alec and Magnus, but we are in the end game so it's time to cut the loose ends and that includes a Magnus-Lydia moment.  
> Although this story was originally meant to be from Alec's POV, I just felt the need to show some of Magnus'.  
> This might not be very.. in character for him. Or maybe it is. I let you be the judge of that, regardless, I really did enjoy writing it.  
> God it's so hard not to go on and on about this chapter. But feel free to tell me what you think, your favourite lines.. I would love to hear what you think.  
> I love you guys. 
> 
> One more chapter before the epilogue.. And we are still not over the angst.. :P


	10. Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe, but here we are.  
> The last chapter before the epilogue.  
> The pain is real.

_“To find yourself, you must lose yourself first.” – Jared Leto_

  


  
“Senator Lightwood! What are your plans for the re-election?” The man asked, his eyes full of hunger. The kind of hunger that turned Alec’s stomach. He hated it and he truly never understood it. How some people find a sense of satisfaction in taking one’s life into pieces, ripping things apart until they lie there naked and open. 

There were at least ten different well-crafted sentences in the back of his mind about their approach for the re-election and how he plans to continue for the upcoming year. Rehearsed with Magnus at least a hundred times. And he knew every single one of them. He knew the tone he was meant to use witch each, the gestures, his body language. Yet, the words didn’t come to his lips, his body didn’t move the way it was meant to. Instead, he stood there, looked at the crowed and closed his eyes. Not in guilt or fear, no. In relief. Because no matter how many answers he had, how many ways he knew to sell them, in that moment, the only answer he felt natural was the truth. The ugly truth. The one that made him breathe. The one that left his lips so easily that no lie ever did. 

“Nothing. I’m resigning.” 

In hindsight, Alec should have seen it coming. One can’t drop a bomb like that without blowing the very ground he stood on himself. He remembered the shock on people’s faces. The silence that followed his words as if he suddenly turned the volume down until the entire world were silence. He remembered Magnus blinking at him like he saw Alec for the first time. 

He remembered how they jumped on the news a few months ago when Lydia and himself revealed their divorce based on mutual agreement. They both had a well written speech, undoubtedly Magnus’ hard work, which they read out loud to the press. It contained everything they were willing to share, white lies and half truths about their marriage and how time took a toll on it, how they grew apart from once lovers to nothing but kind friends who both decided to allow the other to find love and happiness once again. 

It was short, leaving enough for further questions, but neither of them humoured the people to ask further questions. 

After that, Lydia travelled back to Boston, back to her childhood home. 

Alec was left alone in their penthouse. Every memory of Lydia ever living there, were gone. 

Were gone the pictures from the walls, her clothes from the wardrobe, her jewellery from the bedside table, her toothbrush from the bathroom.. even her favourite tea was missing from the shelf. Nothing in the house reminded Alec of her. 

Yet, he stayed in the office. He stayed in the office like he had no home to go to.. and he didn’t. 

Even without the presence of his once wife, the flat still didn’t feel like home. 

He had plenty of space, but it wasn’t enough to make the tightness in his chess to disappear every time he stepped through the door. 

Magnus never stayed anymore. 

In fact.. Magnus didn’t do anything at all. Apart from his job. That he did. 

But all the talks, all the bickering, all the arguments.. were gone. 

So were the kisses, the touches and the moans. 

Alec wasn’t sure what he expected, what he hoped for.. but whatever it was.. it wasn’t this. The man was more out of his reach than ever. He had no right to feel disappointed.. but fuck he was. 

He didn’t know how to voice it. How to ask for something he didn’t even know what it was himself.. 

The man’s words replayed in his mind countless times before since his divorce. 

_“I love you.”_

Back then.. everything was different. And now.. everything was changing. 

But would that mean his answer would have changed as well? Alec didn’t know. 

***

The news of his resignation travelled like wildfire. His words were plastered across every newspaper, they echoed in every tv and radio news.

He knew Magnus had to work extra hours, once again, to pull him out of the deep shit. He worked with the man for the next weeks, making sure his resignation was handled in the best way possible. Following every instruction to the last dot without any problem until it was all done and settled. The man deserved that much co-operation after Alec’s suicide mission that came with no warning. 

Alec couldn’t tell if it was a spur of a moment decision or perhaps, he knew it long before that he will resign. Deep down, he knew which one it was. He was tired. Not tired of his job, but tired of everything that came with it. 

He was expecting the man to tell him how much of an idiot he was, how reckless, but those comments never came. Thinking back now, it should have been obvious. 

Alec should have seen it coming but blinded by the things going on with his career, he never really had the chance to spare much thoughts to the lack of reaction from Magnus. 

Not until he entered his office and found a letter, carefully placed into an envelope on the middle of his table. 

He looked at it with a frown for a moment before picking it up, opening it with slow movements. 

_Dear Mr Lightwood,_

_Effective immediately, I, Magnus Bane herby resign from my position._

_(…)_

_Considering the changes of the circumstances, I acknowledge that my services are no longer needed or desired, therefor I would like to express my gratitude for the years I had to spend as your PR agent and I hope I was worthy of the position._

_I wish I could say that although we won’t work together anymore as colleagues, we can still keep in contact, however we both know that our relationship was never anything more than professional and we both are aware that it will never be._

_Please consider this as my formal resignation._

_Goodbye, Alexander._

Alec’s eyes ran over the words, one, twice, desperately hoping that maybe if he reads it enough times, the words and their meaning will suddenly change, shift into something else, something bearable, something that doesn’t leave a void in his heart, big enough to consume him. 

Magnus was leaving. Magnus was leaving _him_. 

In all the years, this was a scenario he never imagined. He thought about all the ways his life could go, one worse than the other, but neither of those even entertained the idea of the man leaving. 

And now, Alec had no idea what to do. He felt like he was watching a car crash in a slow motion, knowing already that it will leave nothing but pain, destruction and death in its path, but unable to do anything to stop it, so instead he just stood there, eyes wide, heart hammering in his chest as he gasped for air he couldn’t find. He felt his lungs burning as he tried to breathe through it all. 

His feet moved on his own accords, carrying him out of the office on autopilot. He didn’t hear people calling out for him, he quickened his step matching his beating heart until he was running. Running down the stairs onto the streets. 

His eyes looking around desperately. It was raining. He felt the cold drops soaking his suit, gliding down his cheek, dropping into his eyes from his hair. 

But he didn’t care. All he cared about the figure standing on the sidewalk. One hand in the air, waving down a yellow cab. 

He felt the pull as he stepped towards him, watching him opening the door, one foot in the taxi, the other still on the dirty asphalt, still here. Still with Alec. 

“Magnus.” He shouted after him, eyes locked on the man as he sat in, his face turning towards Alec. 

For a fleeing moment Alec could see the surprise on his face. It was so honest, it made Alec’s heart miss out a beat. He didn’t know if the man was surprised because he never thought Alec would come after him, to look for him but he didn’t have time to ponder on that thought any longer. 

“Don’t go.” He choked out as he stopped in front of the man. He looked into his eyes, hoping that the man can see the desperation, the fear on his face just as clearly as Alec could see the shock on the other man’s a moment earlier. 

“You resigned Alec. You don’t need a PR anymore. Why would I stay?” He asked with a sigh, tired, hurt.. 

“Because.. I don’t want you to.” Alec said, almost a whisper. 

Magnus just shook his head with a sad smile. Alec hated it. Hated the sadness, hated the rejection. 

“Because I need you.” He said in a rush. His own words scared him. It sounded so vulnerable and so honest, for a moment he wished he could take them back. 

Magnus looked up at Alec, the smile was gone, but the sadness was still in his golden eyes as he looked into Alec’s hazel ones.  
“That’s not enough. Goodbye Alexander.” Magnus said and Alec took a step back. And then another one and another one until his back hit against the wall . 

The words hit him like a ton of brick. Not enough. Never enough. 

Alec wanted to laugh. In his whole life.. nothing was enough. For the first time.. he realised that what wasn’t enough wasn’t the alcohol, the pain, the sex, the hatred.. no. The only thing that was never enough… was him. 

He was never enough. Never being enough. Not just to Lydia or Magnus. But to himself. The role he was playing, the mask he was wearing.. it wasn’t enough. Because he wasn’t himself enough. You can’t play a role forever without forgetting who you really are, without losing yourself under all the lies. 

That realisation was almost numbing. It was like getting an answer to questions he always had but never asked. 

And what hurt the most about the man's words.. that it was true.. and Alec deserved it. 

He watched the yellow car driving away with the only person who was ever enough while he pretended that it was the rain and not tears, he blinked out of his eyes. 

***

Alec didn’t know how long he stood outside in the rain.

He watched the cars and people moving in a blur, greys and blues blending into one as he watched New York moving around him without a moment of consideration that his world was currently falling apart around him. 

He walked back into his office ignoring the shocked expression on people’s faces, his secretary worried voice as he called out his name. 

Screw them. Screw it all. 

He closed the door of his office and his eyes jumped to the letter, still sitting on his desk. 

He turned his head away, not able to look at the ugly reminder that he lost everything. 

Because that was the catch wasn’t it? 

The whole time, he was terrified, petrified of losing everything. 

His family. 

His career. 

His wife. 

Even if holding onto those, meant losing himself. 

But now, he had nothing. His career was over. He divorced his wife. And Magnus.. Magnus just walked out of his life. 

There was a voice, small and sad, broken just like Alec saying that maybe.. he was too late. 

He was too late being brave enough to fight for what he wanted.. and it cost him everything. 

He made a decision, one that he should have made a long time ago and now all he could think about that maybe if he made that decision earlier.. he wouldn’t be all alone right now. 

His eyes settled on the other side of his desk. The snow globe. 

With shaking hands, he pulled his phone out of his pocket. 

“Hallo?” Came the voice after the second ring, almost as if the person on the other line has been sitting by the phone all this time, waiting, hoping for the phone to ring. 

And maybe.. she was. 

“Izzy..” Alec whispered, his voice breaking.


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home is not a place, it's a feeling.

_1 year later…_

Alec held the door open with a wide smile as his sister stepped out, mid-laugh, a cup in her hand.  
They were just leaving Taki’s after a quick lunch. They talked and laughed and gossiped, okay, maybe only Izzy gossiped and Alec just listened, nodding occasionally, as she talked about her date with Simon.  
It was still a hard one for Alec to digest, his little sister and his former assistant as a couple. He never saw that one coming, although he was pretty sure he would have pretended not to see it even if he did.  


The weather was lovely. March was always a strange month between the cold winter and the warm spring. He loved the fresh air and occasional breeze that brought the scent of flowers.  
He was just about to answer his sister questions when he looked up and for a moment, he forgot everything.  
His answer, the question, his sister, the fact that they were blocking the doorway and generally every single thought were pushed out his brain as eyes landed on the man in front of him.  


The man he hasn’t seen over a year, which made him equally relieved and disappointed. 

The man he thought about almost every day, sometimes with a silent wish that he just wouldn’t. 

The man whose journey he followed like a first-class stalker on every social media platform while every time his name came up, he pretended to know nothing about the man as well as having no desire to know anything. 

The man he wished he could talk to when the silence grew too big, too suffocating in his flat as his thumb hoovered over the call button, yet he knew if his phone would ever ring with the man’s name he would sooner run for re-election than to answer it. 

The man whose taste lingered on his tongue despite not actually indulging in it for months now, yet like a ghost it always came back, reminding of Alec the times the man claimed his lips like he had the god given right to do so. 

The man who was his anchor in the darkest times, staying by his side until the last moment, even after the ship has sank a long time ago, just to dump him on the shores, cold, frightened and alone. 

The man who Alec thought was the closest to ever being enough, yet who decided that Alec just was not enough. 

The man Alec has loved for years now, but not once having the courage to admit it loud, not even when he had the chance more times that a man deserved to have a chance in life. 

_Magnus._

The memories of that day when the man left came back to him crushing down and so did days, weeks, following the man’s departure. 

Alec had more than enough time on his hands to think about his life, his decisions and all the reasons he found himself in the situation he was. 

_You always have a choice._

That one sentence he grew to despise with every fiber of his body. Not because he thought it wasn’t true, on the contrary, he hated it because it was true.  
Even if for years, he decided to do everything to make himself believe otherwise.  
He first heard those words before he married Lydia.  
It was just a year after he met Magnus and the two of them started to work together.  
He still remembered the mixed feelings he felt about the marriage and they must have been plastered across his face, because Magnus, without saying too much, reminded Alec that he didn’t have to do this.  


And back then, Alec wanted to laugh for the naivety of those words. As if.  
He was a closeted twenty something, heading for the top on his political career. He needed this marriage to boost his chances even if everything about it felt wrong on too many levels for Alec to ever bother to count. 

For years, he believed that he had no choice. He had a career that demanded him to craft a certain image, even if the man he saw in the mirror was nothing but a stranger to his own eyes.  
And oh, how often he wished he could break that mirror.  
To destroy that fake persona, he became for his career. To be enough. To be a good enough liar to the point where even he didn’t question his own lies slipping easily through his lips anymore.  


Every time he saw his wedding ring on his finger, he wished to pull it off, to throw it into the Hudson until it would sink low enough in the dark water that no sun could ever reach it.  
He never thought he would take it off.  
He was pretty sure, that even when he was nothing but bones and long shredded clothes in a coffin, six feet under the ground, his wedding ring would be just as spotless and shiny as it was on the day it got on his finger.  
It’s not like he had a choice. He was the one to propose and when he was standing at the altar, with the priest waiting on his answer, there was no other option but to say: I do.  
Even if it was one of the hardest words ever leaving his mouth. It felt bitter and ever since that bitterness tinted everything.  
His days and nights.  


Until that one night in Washington.  
It was also one of those moments when he felt, he had no choice.  
He felt that he was choking, and the man was his oxygen.  
The man was his strongest, sweetest, favorite alcohol.  
He was just as addicted to the man as he was to liquor.  
If not even more.  


His addiction.  
It found him like a long-lost friend. It was there when no one else was and Alec was only human. A weak one. One who was ready to escape from the ugly reality of his life falling apart.  
He found redemption in endless bottles. Drinking until the darkness hugged him warm and loving. Until the pain was nothing but a reminded that he was still alive even if he felt he died inside with each passing day.  
The man he saw in the mirror for years was gone.  


He broke him despite thinking he could never do. 

And as the mirror, his own life too, shattered to pieces. 

A part of it, was his career. The one he fought for with everything in him. He had a choice and he decided to give up. After all, he did have a choice. 

Another piece was the wife he never learnt to love. Lydia.  
She was a part of his life, even if not the part she was meant to be. She unwillingly found herself in a loveless marriage, tied to a man who would never love her, would never even try.  
And, even if it took him a long time, Alec realized and accepted Magnus’ words. He did have a choice. He decided to let her go.  
And with her, he finally pulled off the ring. It came off easily, no pressure was trying to hold it in place. There was no reason for Alec to want to cling on the lies and false image it once gave to the world.  
He though he would miss its presence, out of sheer habit, but he didn’t. And that made him realize just how much he was yearning to be free of it. 

The biggest part of Alec life was Magnus.  
Alec thought about the irony in that.  
His career, just like Lydia, was in a way, Alec’s choice. Maybe not driven by the right reasons, but regardless, he chose them.  
Magnus, he didn’t choose.  
The man just appeared in his life, out of the blue, turning it upside down more than Alec could count.  
He didn’t choose to let the man in, and he definitely didn’t choose to fall in love with him.  
Alec spent at least three days drowning his thoughts in alcohol around that matter.  
The man was an enigma to Alec.  
He didn’t even understand how he could have fall in love with a man he never really met outside of work. He never even knew the name of his cat. He thought about the cat too.  
He never asked his name. Sometimes he wished he would’ve. He was sure it was something hideous only the man could come up with.  
There were so many things that Alec wished he would’ve asked. But just like Alec, Magnus had a choice too and he decided to leave.  


For the first few weeks, Alec was angry. Magnus was never meant to leave. Not like this. Not with such finality that hold no promise for the future.  
But as his bottles became empty, he also ran out of all the anger he felt and then he was crying.  
It was the kind of crying that came from deep within. It was ugly and desperate.  
He wished the man would come back. Just to give him one more chance.  
But how many chances can one give to someone before they start to lose themselves for someone else who didn’t deserve a single chance let alone all the ones they were given?  
And Alec was given more chance than he ever deserved.  
And all he ever did was to take and take and only giving what he was willing. Did selfishness have any right to be present in love? He doubted it.  
He remembered all the times the man could’ve, should’ve walked away, yet he stayed and stayed until he had no reason to stay anymore.  
Was that selfishness from his part? Alec didn’t know.  
That was another thing he wished he could’ve asked the man.  
Why? Why did he stay when he had every right to leave? Alec supposed that was part of love. Fighting until there was nothing else left to fight for and even then, just a little bit more.  
But there is only so much fight can take place during a war before it’s over.  
To be honest, Alec was pretty sure that this was had no winners, just losers.  
They all lost something.  
But even in the greatest losses, there is something to find.  
And Alec finally found what he’s been looking for all along.  


_Freedom._

And it’s surely a funny thing, because once Alec found freedom… he had no idea what to do with it.  
So, he did the only thing he knew how to do.  
He drank.  
He spent days and night drinking himself into oblivion until he accepted his life the way it was.  
Alone.  
Without Magnus.  


There is a couple of things Alec isn’t proud of, but the top of the list is definitely claimed by a Wednesday morning when his sister found him lying on the couch surrounded by empty bottles and the smell of a distillery.  
He had no idea why she stayed when no one in their right mind would have helped him but she did. And Alec was sure that that was love.  
And for that, he was eternally grateful.  
And so were for the months following.  


Slowly, but surely, with the help of Izzy, Alec managed to get his life together.  
He went back to Dr Roberts after he spent three months in rehab.  
He also got a job. Not in politics and with not nearly as much salary, but something Alec enjoyed.  
Truly enjoyed. Because he had a choice. And he decided to live his life.  
It took them a few months before Alec was willing to talk about Magnus during their sessions.  
Once he did however, he realized that it didn’t hurt as much as it did months prior and although there was still some pain, it didn’t feel like someone stood on his chest every time he uttered the man’s name.  
He didn’t realize, not until Dr Roberts pointed it out, that Alec went through the stages of grief.  
He mourned the loss of Magnus even though he wasn’t dead.  
And now that the man was standing in front of him, dressed as eloquently as always, he was definitely positive that the man was very much alive.  
And more importantly, he looked alive. His eyes were bright, he looked healthy and balanced.  
Alec was grateful for that. He didn’t wish the same suffering he went through for the man even if deep down he knew that it wasn’t easy for Magnus either.  
He suffered just like Alec, maybe even more.  


“Magnus.” He doesn’t mean to say it. Not his name. Maybe a general greeting, but definitely not his name. Yet it’s the only thing that makes its way out. 

“Alec.” Magnus says and he doesn’t look surprised, not as much as Alec is. Alec’s name leaves his lips easily, it’s not choked out and not tentative. It’s also nothing like the way he said Alexander. 

No one said anything after that, and the silence starts to grow uncomfortable enough that Izzy decides to speak up. 

“I have a date with Simon. I better get going. It was nice to meet you Magnus.” She says easily and even smiles at the man. 

Magnus smiled back with a nod before adding. “Likewise, Isabelle.” 

And Alec isn’t sure why he is taken aback by the fact Magnus recognized the woman as his sister. Of course, he did. The smile he gave her was kind and genuine. A smile Alec has been on the receiving end numerous times. Not recently through. 

“So, how are you?” He asks and he wants to close his eyes because that is the lamest question out of the billion questions he could’ve asked the man after everything, but it is a start and it’s more than he thought he will ever have the chance again to ask. 

“I’m good. I see you finally decided to listen to me and pay a visit to Taki’s.” Magnus says as he nods towards the coffee shop. 

Alec smiled at that because it might took him a long time but he did. He finally did. 

“Yeah. So, you are back from Philly?” 

“Yes. My work there has ended. I had no reason to stay. Plus.. there is no place like Brooklyn.” He said with a smile as he looked around and Alec might haven’t seen the man in almost a year, it doesn’t mean he forgot him. He knew that Magnus tried to avoid looking at him and it make Alec sad for some reason he didn’t want to admit. 

Alec desperately wanted the conversation to keep going but you needed two people for that, and Magnus didn’t seem to be so eager to be an active participant. 

“I’ll head on. I’m sure we’ll see each other.” He said to Magnus or to himself, he wasn’t sure. 

“I’m sure. It was great seeing you.” Magnus said with a nod as he stepped to the door, heading into the coffee shop without waiting for some sort of goodbye. 

And once again.. Alec realized; he had a choice. He could leave it up to faith, to meet the man again, but that would make him coward and Alec swore to himself that he would stop being afraid, he would stop running. So, before Magnus could disappear behind the door Alec spoke up. 

“Would you.. Would you like to grab a coffee, sometime?” 

Magnus remained silent for a moment, his own words echoing in his ears. There is always a choice. And this time, it was his turn to make one. He made one before and although he didn’t regret it, for the first time in his life, he spent weeks, months waking up with endless what ifs. 

Now, if he chooses to, he can find his answers to all those. 

“Yes. I would like that.” Was all Magnus replied, unable to stop his lips from moving upwards the tiniest bit. 

He knew the question was more than it first seemed. Alec wasn’t simply asking for coffee or a catch up. He was asking for a second chance. Or a twelfth. He still remembered the bitterness he felt all those months ago, every single time when the man chose something else, someone else over him. 

He would lie if he’d say it didn’t bother him. That it didn’t hurt. That it didn’t break him. 

Perhaps that was the reason why he opened up his heart afterwards when he found himself in Alec’s apartment a week later. Waves upon waves of words trailed down from his lips, all dripping with bitterness and heart ache. Yet, his voice remained calm as he grieved everything, he hoped to have but never reach. 

As for Alec, he listened closely, carefully. He listened to every single word with his heart in pieces.  
He heard all the things he hadn’t been for Magnus.  
All the things he could have been…  
And finally, behind all the unuttered words, he found all the things that he could still become.. only if they both choose to… 

When silence finally settled around them like a warm blanket, soft and comforting between them, Alec realized that not all mirrors had to reflect a life lighted up by flashes of cameras and echo the empty words mumbled by a politician. Some mirrors are there to reflect nothing but the truth, not tainted by lies and empty promises.. and he found those mirrors in amber eyes, shining with tears and something akin to hope. 

And Alec never ever wanted to believe any other reflection that the ones he saw in Magnus’ eyes. 

There was nothing he could have said that would be enough to show how sorry he was, how much he regretted over the years or how much he wished he could have been braver when he was given the opportunity. 

But as he looked into those eyes, he realized that there is maybe one thing he could say that would convey all the things he didn’t know how to make into words. 

“There is no day when I don’t wish I said it back.” 

-

_Three months later..._

“Hello Alec. How are you?” Dr Roberts asked as he smiled at Alec once he was seated opposite to her on the couch. 

Alec’s lips twitched into a smile as he looked down at his hands before raising his glance to the woman. 

“I’m good.” 

“How so?” She asked, crossing her legs as she leaned back against her chair, pen and paper forgotten. 

_Alec was lying on the couch as he heard the door being opened, the jitter of keys, followed by familiar footsteps._

_“Hello darling.” Magnus said smiling to him as he walked over to Alec._

_“I thought I have to go in and rescue you personally to get you home.” Alec said with a wide grin as he pulled Magnus down, his hands wrapped around the man’s neck._

_“My prince in shining armour.” Magnus laughed before being silence by Alec’s lips pressing against his own._

_“How was your day?” Magnus asked once they parted, standing up to shrug his coat off._

_“Productive.” Alec answered with a grin as he lifted up what he was holding in his hand a moment before._

_“I see.” Magnus laughed as he shook his head. They both snapped their heads towards the small jingling sounds that approached them from the bedroom._

_“The Chairman missed you.” Alec said looking down at the small cat who was rubbing his head against Magnus’ ankle in greeting._

_“Only the Chairman?” Magnus raised an eyebrow teasingly._

_“I was too busy to think about you.” Alec shot back with a grin, already moving back to make room for Magnus._

_“Really?” Magnus asked, voice deep and mischievous as he crawled between Alec’s legs._

_“Liar.” He whispered against Alec lips before kissing him deeply. Tongues meeting gently for a slow dance._

_“Okay maybe I missed you a bit.” Alec whispered before his voice turned into a moan as Magnus started to kiss down his jaw, biting his neck gently._

_“Okay. I missed you a lot.”_

_“Mmmhmm.”_

_“God, Magnus, I love you so much.” He breathed as he felt a hand creeping under his t-shirt._

_Magnus looked up, amber eyes filled with love and affection._

_“I love you too Alexander.”_

Alec smiled at the memory of last night before answering. 

“I read a book.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.. the day we've been all waiting for is here.  
> An other finished multichapter story. It took me almost ten months, but better late than never I suppose.  
> I would like to say a huge thank you for every one of you for your kudos and lovely comments and for those who had read the story and followed Alec's journey.  
> From a repressed, closeted, alcoholic politician.. to the man he always hoped to see in the mirror. The man who is enough.  
> The story was originally meant to be some smutty.. few shots but it ran away with me and I ended up bringing topics such as alcoholism, cheating, depression and self-loathing into the story and I am confident to say that I managed to portray a very realistic world and I believe that everyone can relate to some parts of it because the issues I addressed are very real and affect millions of people. Including myself.  
> It was sometimes hard to write about things because they just seemed too real and hit just a bit too close to home, but I also tried my absolute best to pull Alec out of the hole he dug for himself along the years.  
> If you followed his journey, I want you to know that even in the hardest times.. you always have a choice and you don't have to go through it alone.  
> I hope that after the unbelievable amount of angst I put you guys through, this epilogue somehow made it all the pain worth it.  
> Also, I know that one sentence Alec says to Magnus before the time jump is absolutely and completely incorrect but my English fucked off and my Hungarian took over and for the life of me I didn't know how to write it correctly, so sorry about that. I'm sure you all know what I meant.
> 
> And last but not least, a massive thank you for my dearest friend, you know who you are, for listening to my endless rants and mental break downs and sharing your ideas with me when I felt stuck with certain parts. Your support means the world to me and sometimes I wonder if I will ever write something without your help. Probably not. I love you.


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